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Matthew Atkins, currently the oldest 3rd Class Petty Officer in the United States Navy and also in the US Navy's 240 + years of history. Having served on such prestigious naval vessels as the USS Enterprise during the 1798 - 1800 Quasi-War and also the more current USS Enterprise during 2001-2003. The Original USS Kitty Hawk CVA-63, a Steamboat civilian transport ship converted into an aircraft carrier during WWII, and the current USS Kitty Hawk CV-63, where he currently is spending his 56th year of Naval service. He has also been on other assorted smallboys such as the USS Wisconsin BB-64 and the Navy's first submarine which never saw combat due to sinking in 1863 while being towed during a storm. Sources say what most likely caused the boat to need to be towed in the first place was a sailor who was told to shut the conning tower's hatch however failed to do so because he was busy argueing quoted as saying "Im closin' the scuttle damnit. You see me closin' it!"
[edit] Atkins History
History for Matthew Atkins dates back as early as the 1600's, many historical documents show. However has had many different names since then, but many historians believe is to be the same person. Many scientists believe him to be as old as 300 years old, with his birth dating all the way back to before 1637. Dr. Carl Sagan and his group of about 20-25 other scientists at Cornell University has been heading up the M. Atkins Research department since 1939. Dr. Carl Sagan's most recent discovery was during a Carbon-dating of said specimens hair folicles (M. Atkins) found traces of organisms that existed only during Prehistoric Ages when Dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Many paleontologists at the Paleontological Research Institution in Ithica, New York agree that the information Dr. Carl Sagan and his team discovered is more than accurate. They believe this due to many pieces of evidence left by the nicknamed "Original Organism" in many fossil digs such as several locks that could only be used by those with aposable thumbs. It would explain why there were never any fossils discovered due to the fact that he is still alive. Many other tests by Dr. Carl Sagan such as extensive searching into endless historical documents finds scientific documentation of M. Atkins by many renowned genuises such as Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin. When asked to give an accurate age as best as possible, Dr. Sagan can answer only to say "The best we can tell you is that he's really fucking old!" Many other scientists of his team have had to resign from the team or from scientific research altogether due to disturbing revelations during many different venues of study. Dr. Sagan and his team's most accurate piece of evidence to prove an age dates back to the 13 colonies where he is listed as residing in New Haven, which was the name of the state now known as conneticut settled in 1637. Many scientists on Dr. Sagan's team believe that Atkins somehow traveled back in time because with the help of PRI in Ithica, NY have discovered many empty bottles of Centrum Silver. Dr. Richard Feynman says, "The best and most likely theory that we can come up with is that he somehow survived long enough to come across a time machine. We don't believe he invented one because he is no where near that smart, but perhaps paid to use it. And somehow traveled farther back in time than dinosaurs and couldn't figure out how to get back. He must've gone back with a nearly endless supply of Centrum Silver since we've discovered endless amounts of bottles all throughout time. It's has to be what has kept him alive so long. We've even found centrum bottles in Cairo, Egypt around Pyramid construction sites. He must've been forced into constructing them somehow." Other doctors chose not to comment other than to say "M.Atkins has driven me to alcoholism and has destroyed the lives and marriages of many other once amazing scientists." Archie Randolph Ammons and Peter Debye are two scientists who hung themselves due to being so stumped and baffled by the studies. Reasearch still continues, however with constant supervision of psychologists.
[edit] Atkins Today
As said before, M. Atkins can be found today on the USS Kitty Hawk working in the Enginneering shop Forward IC as an Interior Communications Electrician. With said previous experience such as OOD qualified which came during a battle on the USS Wisconsin where the entire crew was knocked unconcious by "food poisioning" except for one person, M. Atkins, and he had to learn how to steer the boat to safety and clean 45 salinity cells and fix a sound powered phone all at the same time. Many aliases such as "Olivo Jr." and "The Centrum Silver Surfer" or just plain "Old Man Rivers". To this day, no one, even worldwide experts, do not understand whether what he has on his head is hair or "space dust" as Robert M. Bernstein, M.D., F.A.A.D., is Clinical Professor of Dermatology at the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Columbia University in New York calls it. Dr. Bernstein is cited as saying, "Quite frankly, we really don't know what it is. We do know that it used to be hair nearly 4 centuries ago, perhaps even longer. Many studies show that it may even be paranormal and not even of this planet." As far as the world is concerned M. Atkins will be around till the end of time, and probable be the cause of, as long as he still has that centrum silver.
Declined. Your article appears to be a joke. Wikipedia only contains factual entries, so your comedic efforts cannot be rewarded here. Graeme Bartlett (talk) 12:59, 27 April 2008 (UTC)
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