Tim Vine

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Tim Vine

Born	4 March 1967 (1967-03-04) (age 41) Cheam, Surrey
Medium	Stand-up comedy, television
Nationality	British
Website	www.timvine.com

Tim Vine (born March 4, 1967 in Cheam, Surrey) is an English actor and stand-up comedian. He is the brother of Jeremy Vine, the British television journalist and presenter on BBC Radio 2. His stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. On 7 October 2004 Vine broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362. Each joke told by Vine had to get a laugh from the paying audience to count towards the record. He held the record until May 2005. Vine has taken his comedy act on a tour of the United Kingdom, most recently in his February 2006 tour entitled "Current Puns". His new tour "Punslinger" with all brand new material started on April 28th 2008 and will take Tim all around the UK. See tour dates on timvine.com

He has appeared regularly at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, with shows such as "The Tim Vine Shambles", and "The Tim Vine Fiasco" which won him the perrier newcomer award in 1995. In 2006, he had a large advertising hoarding erected featuring his name and image, with a small sub-heading "...is not appearing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival"

On television, Vine co-launched Five with Julia Bradbury on 30 March 1997 and presented the game show Whittle on the channel. Vine has also presented the game show Fluke on Channel 4 Housemates on BBC 1 and later Fort Boyard Takes on the World on Challenge. Vine was also one of the regular team of comedians to write for and appear in the ITV comedy series The Sketch Show, which won a BAFTA, and played the role of namesake Tim in the BBC One situation comedy Not Going Out. In 2005, he appeared alongside other celebrities in Spelling Bee, shown on ITV1. Tim appeared as a contestant on Comic Relief does Fame Academy on the BBC in 2007. He was voted out on Friday 9 March. He appeared at the Spring Harvest festival in 2007 and 2008 alongside John Archer at Skegness and Minehead, and at the Shepherd's Bush Empire in May 2007 for a show entitled Tim Vine, Live in Concrete. In September 2007, Vine appeared with his brother Jeremy on the celebrity version of ITV1's Who Wants to be a Millionaire where they raised £1000 for the Fire Services National Benevolent Fund.

On radio, in 2002 he made a guest-appearance as himself on The Griff Rhys Jones Show on BBC Radio 2.

His musical talent, aside from the comedy songs in his act, includes playing the guitar, piano, and drums, and he has released an album of non-comedy songs, which can be bought at pretendpopstar.co.uk Vine is a Christian and occasionally plays the drums at his church. He was in several bands, including The Flared Generation with brother Jeremy Vine. Both Tim and Jeremy Vine were educated at Epsom College in Surrey.

In December 2007, Vine launched his first podcast, 'Tim Vine Celebrates'^[1]. The first episode Tim Vine Celebrates... Christmas was released for free on 19th December.

The late Bob Monkhouse said of Tim, "he has taken the trick of word play and extended it to lengths no-one has ever dared before. A very funny man indeed."

Tim has recently featured on "Hersheys Half Hour" on Play Radio UK (23.3.08)

1 Jokes
2 Books
3 References
4 External links

[edit] Jokes

Many of Vine's jokes have been falsely attributed to Tommy Cooper^[2]; the West End show about Tommy Cooper actually features some of Vine's jokes.

Note that these jokes are intended to be heard, rather than read.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".
I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" (Tim Vine live DVD).
Velcro, what a rip-off...
I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory"
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one
You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong
Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran.. Even-he's-a-witch
I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"
A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Did you know if a stick insect lays it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?
I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'
Advent Calenders, Their days are numbered.
I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'War and Peace, 3/10'
I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'see that there....made by a bible.'
I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: ' if your referring to the thing bit of card you put in book to remember where you are..................no.'
So this bloke came up to me and said 'I've just dropped my scrabble set on the pavement'. I said 'Really? What's the word on the street?'
If you have an islamic dog. Muzzl'im
I went to a Party dressed as Sodium Chloride. Someone threw Hydrochloric Acid over me. I didn't know how to react.
Atleast its comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express
I went to the doctor and said "that tastes of apples, that taste of pears, and that tastes of strawberries. He said "you've got fruit gums"
I went down my local Gym. I said "Mr Nasium"
I said "can you teach me how to do the splits?". He said "how flexible are you?". I said "I can't make tuesdays"
I went down my local video store. I said "can I take out the elephant man?". He said he's not your type. I said "can I have Batman Forever?". He said you have to bring it back tomorrow. I said what about another 48 hours. He said tomorrow.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

[edit] Books

Sit-Down Comedy (contributor to anthology, ed Malcolm Hardee & John Fleming) Ebury Press/Random House, 2003. ISBN-10: 0091889243; ISBN-13: 978-0091889241