User:ShaggyInLove

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Well it has now been almost a week since i have heard from you and thats starting to get a little scary. I know i shouldnt worry and your probably just really busy or on orientation for a few days or something, but you know me, i cant help it. Anyway, not much is going on here, first day back to school is tomorrow and i have baseball practice later today from 5-7. hopefully you will be able to call soon. i have been really missing you these last few weeks. I miss knowing that i will get to see you everyday, and at least have some time to see how your doing. I miss making you smile and laugh, i miss giving you countless opportunities to make fun of me. And I know this is really hard for you too, probabaly harder, so i feel like i shouldn't complain, but i really just want to be with you again. well anyway soon enough. i really dont know what to say except i am thinking about you and i love you sooooooooooo much more. there is no way that i dont so dont even argue. I love you. MORE I wrote this next part a few days ago. I dont know if you have checked mobileshaggy or at all, i am getting kind of worried and i am really missing you. I hope that you didnt get in trouble for confronting those girls or for any reason. Whats going on? how are you doing? Anyway i am home, 8 hrs in the car yesterday 8-9 the day before. Driving a van for four hours with your grandparents isn't that much fun, but i am enjoying the break and i cant wait to see you. ahhh its so d**n close. well i love you MORE. Yours and only Yours DMF.

I am calling you tonight. Just as a heads up so please pick up. Love you.

I am happy that you stuck up for yourself, i think that the whole caffiene(I cant spell leave me alone) thing was kind of ridiculous in the first place, i mean i dont want you drinking the extream amounts that can really hurt you but i really dont think you are an addict. It was stupid of joey and dom to say anyhting i mean i think you are deffinatly right that they just wanted to look good. BUT BE NICE, lol i mean i know that collene says nothing is going to hold you back from everest, but i dont think that is what you should really be worrying about. Like you said you should try to get closer to some people and i know, I KNOW, that it is really hard for you, but still if you really want to get closer you have to keep trying and as long as people see you trying i think they will understand. Anyway i am sooo excited about the visit and i really want to spend a lot of time just talking and chilling. well i will write more later tonight. I just wanted to answer you. I hope you know im thinkin about you and that i do care about you, and i a here for you, where ever here might be. I love you more. more more more more more more more. and you will know that some day. lol i miss you. Yours and only Yours DMF. I'm back, Anyway, i think you deffinatly need a break from willowcreek, who doesnt???? i mean that place and all treatment eventually just gets old. it will be great to see you again and i hope we can have a good time. It will be great for both of us just to chill for weekend. anyway, who are the 3 girls? Why are u confronting them. When is that happening? I really hope it goes well. that is all i really dont want to make this a big deal for you i just want to know whats going on. On the visit do you want to talk about our pasts and trying to get to know more about each other or do you not want to do that? My feeling is that i really dont know that much about what your life was like before i met you except the anger. A lot of which has changed from the time we met. or am i wrong? I mean dont think in anyway that you have to talk about the past, or treatment, or anything at all, i am just going to be happy holding you and being with you. whatever you want. WELL what can i do to make you smile? well i know what image just made me smile The night of the hockey game, your face when the first fight happend, and then again when the guy broke his nose. But what was even better about that night was that you talked so much about your brother and how excited you were for when you get home to watch him and cheer him on again. I think that night was huge for us, i think you really opened up to me, even though it didn't start off great. Or how about culture night, that was great, (even though I dragged you there). Do you remember when we walked out of the the movie theater you and i were the last 2 out and we walked down the street together purposly bumping into each other? That moment, i felt like a really couple, i think about that moment and get excited about the visit because we will be, no treatment bs, no staff, just us, and we will be able to be completly real. That is making me smile right now.

Hey. So today was pretty tough for me. A lot went down. First off…I am allowed to drink caffeine again. But s*** went down. Group was awful. When they found out I was allowed t have caffeine again, out of no where, they were all saying how concerned they were. It was bulls***. Towards the end I got so b****y and said some really nasty but true things. Colleen asked if I had been listening to everyone talk and their feedback and I snapped. I said “only to those people I respect” in a really nasty tone. So she asked me who I didn’t respect and I flat out said Dom and Joey. Then I basically b****ed them out. Saying why the f*** are you acting like you care now. You didn’t say s*** when I was actually drinking that much. Why now. It pisses me off when people sit there and try to act like they care. They lost my trust a long time ago and I am not really one to let go of that stuff. Especially if I have been let down or hurt over and over again. I don’t wanna hear s*** from someone who’s just trying to look good for therapy. Afterward colleen talked to me and it went really well. We talked about next week and that basically nothing I do is going to change the fact that I will be moving up next Wednesday and that I can still have caffeine and that she’s not worried about it. So basically I was allowed to just chill in the back yard by myself for ½ and hour and just get my mind together cuz at that point I was about ready to snap at everyone. Then me and one of the girls talked. I am feeling better but kinda tired. I honestly hate this s***. Who in their right mind, after not giving a s**** enough to get to know me outside of group, how can they expect me to accept their feedback when they don’t know s*** about me. Anyways. Things have been getting better though. I’m kinda in a rut though. Colleen wants me to call out these three girls about their s***. It’s not that I am scared I just don’t give a s*** about them so I don’t wanna help them. Yeah they effect me but I honestly don’t wanna deal with their s***. Plus Maddy is acting like she pissed at me and I have no clue what the f*** I did or what’s wrong. She won’t talk to me but she will to other people. It’s really hard right now. It really feels like I have no one to turn to. And I know there are. Nick talks to me all the time and a lot of the other guys. Plus I have some pretty good friends on my dorm and on the North West dorm. But that’s kinda it. I have a relationship but it’s not to that level of trust. And I know that I can talk to many of the staff here but it’s really hard. Plus going back to what happened earlier today…you know how hard it is for me to trust in the first place. But then there are those who have hurt me or betrayed that trust one way or another here. I am not one to let go of those things easily. It is so hard for me. I can act normal but I tend to hold on to that resentment for a really long time. And they never fully get back to where they used to be. No matter how hard they try to regain my trust. And with every time that they hurt me it gets harder and harder and eventually there is no way to regain it. But that point comes so much faster then for most people. I have such high expectations for people and how they earn my trust. That’s probably why I am not all that close to many people here. I don’t know. I wanna trust more people and am trying but I don’t know. I just feel let down most of the time. This morning I was talking with one of the new girls about relationships and we started talking about the past. For me back then relationships were always on my term. And not only that but I would test them. Before it was about seeing how much they so called “cared’. I didn’t want to believe it so I would push them. And in the end get what I predicted. They left. Well some. Some are still there for me no matter what. Here it’s kinda the same except I don’t test them. My expectations have just gotten higher. And it sucks. I’ve seen myself doing that with you a little. Like when something bugs me it really bugs me. Even things that wouldn’t really bug me just tend to get on my nerves. I think you know what I am talking about. All those time I would just get pissy with you. Not consciously, but kinda test the waters. See where I can trust you. Talk to you about little things and then work my way out. But it gets hard and I haven’t pulled out yet and don’t plan on it for awhile. But that’s kinda it. I have tried that with some people and…there are very few people I go too. And even when I go to them it’s still just touching base. I don’t get to the point where I can just be completely real with them. Just start saying everything that’s on my mind. And I know I am not exactly there with you…but I am getting close. I have talked to you about so much more then I would with most people. I really need this visit. I have been so down today. Out of it. I honestly don’t know how to say what I need to say to people with out coming across like I’m a b****. There is just so much I have to say to those three but I know if I was to just say it now…it would come out so wrong. And don’t get me wrong…I wouldn’t care if it didn’t affect scores…but it does and they’re not worth a zero. But back to my visit…I really need a break from this place. It should do me some good. Especially being able to see you and talk to you. Well I hope you can get to a computer soon. I really need to smile. I am really down. So please if you can I would really appreciate it. Well I love you lots and cant wait to see you again. Depending on when you get this 23 or 22 days left. LOL.. well…goodnight babe. With all my heart…and MORE.

Hey. I had a really busy day today. It was fun though. Sorry I haven’t written all weekend. I’ll try to call you some time this week though I am really excited too. I am really sorry but I am beat. I have had a really busy weekend and not only busy but exhausting and crazy and it’s getting hot out here so yeah. Imma try to get tan. Can make any promises. But I kinda already am. So that helps. But other than that I don’t really know what else. And no there is no way you love me more. Just accept it. Sit with the feedback. Deal with your emotions. You’re just in denial. Lol. I be so down for that whole sunset thing on Saturday. As long as I am with you. I down for what ever. What kinda surprises did you have in mind? Cuz considering that you will be staying at a hotel I don’t know how much you can do. I am not so sure about this summer. If I do come home in july I may just be getting my house all set up. You should start talking to my parents about it. maybe for your birthday my parents can fly me to Ohio…I mean since you get the pleasure of chilling with my family in New Jersey…just a thought. But what ever. I love you so much and depending on when you get this…25 or 24 days left…I swear I am not counting down…I just happen to know…well imma go take a nap. Love you lots…with all my heart…and MOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMORE9accept it I will never back down!!!!!!!!!!!) hehe…oh yeah…yes I have been checking mobileshaggy. So just keep writing. I haven’t this weekend til now but I should have a little more time this week. Hopefully…

Thats great about the interview, where are you trying to work??? So i am missing you like crazy and i am really hoping to hear from you again soon. Today i was on the beach with my sister and her boyfriend and they went and took a walk and i sat and watched the sunset, that was one of the moments i wanted to be holding you more then anything. I would really like to on the saturday that im at your house watch the sunset, and you said taht you wake up early so maybe even a few sunrises if you are up for it. There are alot of other situations, but most are about being in florida so maybe over the summer or something??? lol probally not but i was thinkin i deff want to do something for my 18th and im not sure what yet, i would kinda like to take me and some friends to florida, my parents probally would come, but still. I dono its all my crazy skeems that never work out so yeah. So anyway, have you been checking user:mobileshaggy?? That is all i can usually write on, today is somewhat of an exception. But i am still going to try and get to my parents hotel every so often so i can get online. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MOER MORE, that has been building up for a little while. So u are gonna be a tan girl next time i see u??? lol i am trying to tan but im pretty sure that i am just gettin pink, so dont be surprised if i am bright pink when i show up. Man i am soooooooo freaking excited to see you. I am really nervous about meeting your family, I really hope it goes well. my plan is to be myself and hope they like me, but my back up plan is to use a brittish accent because everyone loves a brittish accent. Or maybe i can show them my magic/ juggling rutine. they would love it. lol oh man the fun i could pottentially have but wont because it would piss you off to much. oh but it would be priceless. dont you just love me. no i am only making jokes because i am really really nervouse, well ill figure it out. I love you soooo much. Yours and only Yours DMF

So I have an interview tomorrow. Then me and Maddy are going to chill in the mall and then we go to a basketball game. Sunday I am doing nothing and will check. So I talked to my parents and my mom said that you will be getting in latter than me but that my dad is going to pick you up cuz we come in at different airports. She said just to send a picture of yourself to her on her cell so my dad will know who you are. I’ll tell you her number when I call you. She also said that you are going to be staying at a hotel near by. Saturday night after my dad picks you up we’re going to go out to eat so that we can see each other. So the week before spring break Sarah D. and I are going to most likely just chill up by the reservoir and tan. Hopefully it’s warm enough by then. Please write back. I love you lots…with all my heart…and MORE. So I just saw your letter. So you do or you don’t have interne there? I am really confused. I know you can write on ur phone. I miss you so much. On that note there are three, no four new girls and one is a lesbian. I have nothing against that except the fact that she has already started hitting on Sara T. and is my bathroom mate. So I am a little uncomfortable with it. Some other treatment center got shut down so we’re getting a bunch of new people from there and two new therapists. I h8 my life. But what ever. I think there are two new boys. Nothing special. Well write back if you can I love you lots. And more. You will one day realize this. Hehe. Well…with all my heart…and MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah so at my grandparents house we dont have internet access so i havent able to write, but i can respond on mobileshaggy so check that. they will all be quick little things, but please keep writting it makes my day so much better to hear from you. I have been thinking about you so much its ridiculous everywhere its just like, i wish she was here or i really miss her or she would love this. Well sometime we will have to come down together. As i said this is one of my favorite places in the world so i want you to be here so bad. Anyway weathers been nice, a little cold to go to the beach but its starting to warm up. my grandparents are so happy (except they are bussier then i am) I get to sleep alot, so i am catching up on all that i missed for morning baseball practice. My sister comes down today so thats going to be chill, her boyfriend is comming down so that will be a little weird, but he is really nice. Anyway, i look foreward to hearing from you, i am sorry about everest, but soon enough. I am really sorry about not being able to write but i will try and get on as much as i can. but i have to go, love you. miss you. yours and only yours DMF.

Hey. So I am sorry. I was just really annoyed. I will have time today to write…if you respond…but tomorrow is going to be packed. And during the week it may be packed too but I’ll try to call you. Love you lots…with all my heart…and MORE.

Look so it looks like I wont be moving up for another two weeks. But oh well there are a few things they wanted me to work on and yeah…so I guess that’s why it annoyed me so much. But what ever. I’ll try to call you next week. I may be really busy though so if I don’t I am really sorry. You might have to wait til I move up. And by then you should be back home so I wont be writing til then either. So yeah…have fun on spring break.

Thanx for responding to my letters for the past week. Especially since your so busy and all. Glad you could take away from you packed schedule. Love you lots.

Hey babe. So…yeah…not much has changed since I talked to you about maybe 20 min ago. But who cares. Knowing you wont get this and or respond to it for maybe another few days so I thought I would just write for the fun of it….and cuz I am bored and have nothing to do my first period class cuz Terrell is not here. So we went to go out to eat and then to see Vantage Point. Good movie but honestly why do all the hot guys have to die? I mean really!!! But what ever. You probably don’t really wnna hear about other hot guys…so yeah. Drew the staff, I don’t know if you met him but he’s being a little prick. I really don’t like him at all. So I should be moving up Wednesday and will call you hopefully sometime that day, but if not then sometime that week. I will be talking to my parents that day too. We’re going to be talking about what’s gonna go down on my visit. That should be fun. My dad will probably try to pull the hole “can’t be left alone thing” but knowing colleen and just how easily she can be manipulated I can probably swing out of that pretty easily. But yeah. I am really looking forward to seeing you again. It should be fun. So nick wants you to send him a picture of you so he can have it in his binder because he is really butt hurt that you love me more than him. He wants you to, if you have a picture of him, to put him in the picture too. He said to photo shop the picture of me and you and just put his face on my body. Please don’t but that’s his request…or you can just send a picture of yourself. He wants it anytime. So this next portion is from nick…

I want you to come out here for graduation, because Dan is to, and don’t listen to Sara just photo shop a picture of you and her but put my face on top of hers so it looks like me instead of her except with boobs or something!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! Also I think you might be gay, im here if you want to talk about it, my bedroom is always open.. homo.

Well that was interesting. That’s nick for you. Well despite what he says, he really misses you. I really think you should come out for graduation. That would be fun. But I don’t know if your parents will swing for that. But whatever. My visit is good enough for now. Maybe one day my parents will let me go to Ohio…I mean since they’re housing you for a few days it’s the least your parents can to to keep me for a few days…so yeah. W/e. so I was thinking, when we get back to my house you can meet everyone(brothers and cats…) then we can just chill, maybe go to the basement and watch a movie in my lazy boy chair…til whenever. I don’t know what you want to do but FYI I tend to wake up really early at home cuz of my cats. They tend to wanna eat at 5 in the morning. So whatever you want or are comfortable with doing I am down. Except I don’t think we’ll get round to s**. I don’t really want to risk that this visit just cuz my parents and all. Don’t want to blow all my trust first visit. Because my parents are putting a lot of trust in this so ueah…anything other than that…well I’m fair game. Whatever. I’m down. Well I’ll write more when you can write back. Love you…with all my heart…and MORE.

Babe I was kidding about not writing…just messing with you. Please write me back. I miss you…Imma try to call in a little so if you can please pick up. Well gotta go. Love you. With all my heart…and MORE.

Yes the people from Thailand are back. Nick says hi and misses you greatly. Plus he said if he ever finds out that you are drinking or smoking he will personally come to your house and kick you’re a**. So I suggest you don’t do that. On a brighter note…Today was fun but seriously where are you when I need you the most. You need to come out here and get rid of ALL the Mexican guys here. Maddy and I were walking around Provo, for the fu n of it and I swear we were honked at, kissy faced at, lat east 100 times. It just got to the point that every time someone honked we flipped them of and started cussing them out. It was pretty fun. Then we went out to eat with the rest of the dorm. OMG. I hate my dorm. .so much s*** goes down and…I am done with it. It’s gotten to the point where they are now b****ing about the music in the car. How much more petty can they get. I mean really. But what ever. Hope you have fun in Florida. I hate you. I wish I was there. My family goes every summer. I don’t know if we’ll go this year but I sure hope so. I haven’t been there in forever. I miss the beach like crazy. Please send a picture though. I mean imma see you on my visit and there will be no way of hiding it from me then so just so I’ll be able to be warned and know what you look like, I would really like a picture babe. I know it may be a little embarrassing for you but I think you can deal with it. Please babe. So I called my parents and it did make me smile but…well I guess you’re just loosing your touch. I mean you used to know exactly how to make me smile. What happened? Oh well I guess I’ll just have to wait to see you again to smile. Cuz obviously you don’t know what it takes. But whatever. I mean you can keep trying but I doubt you’ll get it. I mean after all those lame attempts, I’m not so sure I can handle another let down…hehe. But try if you want. Love you so freaking much and even though you’re not able to accept it right now, Ii just wanted to remind you that I love you MORE. So yeah. Well I gotta go or am kinda bored writing and not smiling…so maybe when you’re able to make me smile I will write you back…so keep trying…love you…with all my heart…and MORE.

Well sorry i got this a little late, i had baseball this morning and am a little frustrated, i didn't make the varsity team. Oh well, if i work hard i might move up. Anyway, That sucks about orientation, but the provo canyon thing sounds fun. And who is to lazy to do there homework i mean seriously i always used to do my homework, i still do. I dont want you to see a picture of me with my hair this short, its really embarrasing, i am really hoping it grows out before the summer. Im not sure i understand the whole slide show thing, but good luck with it. Anyway, i really wanted to type to you because i just finnished watching one of my favorite movies ever, Patch Adams. Have you ever seen it? I love it, it just really inspires me, makes me want to help people. BUT even better it reminded me alot of you, because the girl he falls in love with put up a front at first that said dont even think about messing with me and then comes to find out that he wont buy it. I mean there is alot of stuff that reminded me of you, and alot that was different to, but it really made me think. (it makes me think everytime i see it) BTW are the people from Thiland back???? well i miss you, I love you, but i got to go pack. Yours and only yours DMF

Hey. i am on orientation today. I got a 1 yesterday. For eating on the dorm. Oh well. Tomorrow I am doing something for Maddy’s 18th birthday. We’re getting pizza, soda, and a movie and then with our dorm we are going up to Provo canyon and having a little party, fire pit, smores, all that fun stuff and wont be back til late. So yeah. I’m packed. I am only on now cuz it’s mandatory study hour. Yeah I know. We now have to have 1 hour study time on the weekends too. Only cuz some people were too lazy to do their homework so now …yeah…but whatever. It gives me an excuse to write. I didn’t say your joke wasn’t funny. I was just messin with you. So I am doing this slide show to move up and plan on making the clinical team cry. It’s pretty intense. Especially some of the pictures I put in it. So there is basically no way anyone could say no to me moving up. I love being so manipulative…lol…well if you can and you get this maybe you can write back I’ll be in here til 12 my time so yeah. Then I wont be on again til Monday or if I have time tomorrow. But I’ll see what’s happening. I’ll try to get on tomorrow. Well that’s bout all I got to say right now. Oh yeah I got your letter. Jen gave it to me. Love the pictures. Now all you have left to do is send me a picture of you now. I really want to see what you look like with your hur cut. Well imma wrap this up. Love you so much babe. With all my heart…and MORE.

Why were you out unti almost midnight on a thursday??? sry bout the joke its one of my favorights and its much better when it is told not written. (oh and btw it isn't really like sexist or anything i heard it on a brittish comedy series about a female preist and she is the one who told it. and i know that doesnt really prove anything but my mom likes it too and she is fairly sensitive to that kind of stuff) Anyway I am so glad to hear today was better. Whats going on this weekend and, "pack"???? I wont be able to write sunday-tuesday except on mobileshaggy so write on this page, but check mobileshaggy for my responses. I am heading down to florida sunday. OHHHHHH I know how to make you smile, call your parents and ask if they have heard from my parents yet. I hope that does it. I will chekc from my phone before i go to bed, so please write if u can. Love you sooo freaking much. Yours and only yours DMF.

Hey. Sorry I didn’t write last night. Was out til close to midnight in salt lake city…nice try with the joke…didn’t really work…guess you don’t know me as well as I thought you did…oh well…I guess you’ll just have to try again..lol. well, today was better. This weekend will be fun and pack so I probably wont be able to write again til maybe Monday.well write back ASAP. And try tomake me smile…again…with all my heart…and MORE

Yeah i actually found out about this from another kid at willow creek but i would rather not say who. Im sorry you dont have caffenie, thats all im living off right now i am so tired, ahhhhhhh. when ever im sad or upset i think of one of my all time favoright jokes. So here it is, hope you like it. So this woman has been waiting all day for the cable guy to come and it is 5:30 and he still hasn't come yet. She has been debating all day weather or not she should take a shower because she knows as soon as she gets in the doorbell is going to ring. Well she thinks it has been this long im going to take a five min shower and get out and ill be ready. So she gets undressed and starts the water and just as she is about to step in shure enough the door bell rings. "F***" so she throws a towel on and runs down to the door and calls through, "who is it?" "It is the plumber come to fix your sink." "I called three weeks ago why are you here now? oh whatever come in." so she let him in and he went unclogged the drain she paid him and he left. So she runs up to her shower and the water is still fairly warm, so she is about to get in and again the doorbell rings so she grabs a towel runs downstairs and calls, "who is it?" "Its the paperboy come to collect." so she runs and grabs her purse grabs the money and hands it out the door. She goes back up stairs to a fairly cold shower and literaly as she is stepping in the doorbell rings again. She couldn't remeber where she had thrown her towel so she ran to the door and called, "who is it?" "Its the blind man." She went and grabbed her purse again and was somewhat relieved that it wasn't the cable guy and that it didn't matter if she had a towel or not. so she opened the door to let him in and he says. "nice t*ts, now where do you want me to hang the blinds?" lol I really love that joke. I hope you liked it. If not i will have to invent a really cool magic trick i can fool you with the next time i see you. After i let you win a few games of e.r.s. of course. well hopefully i made you smile (even just a little bit.) I love and miss you sooooo much. It is gonna be the same thing as last night i will check from my phone around 10:15 so if you would answer i would really appreciate its before i went to bed. I love you. YOurs and only yours DMF.

Hey. I hate this school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arg!!!!!! But other thatn that I really miss you. Cant wait to move up next week. And for my visit. 35 days. So if you could I am not in the best mood, try to write something that will make me smile and be happy. I am hating the fact that I cant have caffeine. Life is so dull and oddly enough it is making my consentration sooooooooooooo much worse. I cant keep my mind on one thing for more than a few seconds. It’s bad. And this is me off caffeine. I am going crazy I swear. But oh well. Colleen said I can still get your letter tomorrow if it comes just have someone else give it to me. Well I miss you so much. Have fun playing halo 2 and being weird like that and no way are you ever going to get me into that. You tried once with Diablo and that ended quick. Well nick says hi. Oh yeah apparently I am not the only person who knows about this whole wikipedia think. John fields has been doing it since he came to willow creek. I found out last night. But he swore not to tell that I had one too. He kinda figured it out. Not sure how but oh well. I trust him…well gotta get this sent. Love you…with all my heart…and MORE.

Bold textIm about to run out to my friends house to play some Halo 2, im a nerd i know. Anyway i have 5 min and i dont know when i will be home prolly around 7:20-8 your time so i will write more then. TOday went pretty well, got all my grade and comments. Tomorrow i finish the ohio graduation test and that means if i pass i can graduate whoooo hooo. Tomorrow is also the last day before spring break, i am soooooooooo ready for spring break. Anyway i love you and miss you. BUt igot to run ill talk with you later.

So im in study hour right now and I am pretty bored. Today was a lot better than yesterday. I am still kinda pissed that I cant have caffeine but I’ll live…I guess. Family session went well. Colleen made me talk to my parents about the past few calls we’ve had. By we I mean you and me. Surprisingly they took it well and didn’t think much of it other then the fact that I am learning how to deal with things differently. Then we talked about school and how the power went out this weekend so the phones weren’t working which is probably why your parents weren’t able to reach them last weekend. Oh well. They can always try again whenever. So I am at a loss of things to say. Days are getting harder. I miss you so freaking much that I don’t know what to do with myself. Last night especially. Walking out into the courtyard. The first thing I did was look for a really tall person playing basketball or just standing around hoping I’d be able to talk to you but then it hit me you weren’t out there. Your home. And that didn’t help with the situation I was already in. but yeah. It’s those little things that get to me. Being in class with you. Study hour. Always going to the library to hang out with you. I cant remember the last time I came to the library to just chill since you left. It’s just not fun anymore. You made everything fun. Even when you pissed me off, you know haw to make me smile. Last night when I didn’t want to talk anymore it was only because I had shared so much and that was enough for me at the time. You need to be patient with me. It’s going to take time. Maybe even a lot of time. This stuff is hard and painful and sucks. But I really want to get through it. And it makes me so happy, you honestly have no idea, that you are still there for me. Thanks for your advice with the polar bears. I’ll try that. Hehe. I don’t know if you’ve listened to it yet but there is a song I would like you to listen to. I really like it. It also makes me think of you. Its by Jordan sparks ft. Chris brown. No Air. I am sending you the lyrics too just for the fun of it but yeah…I hope you like it. Tell me what you think. Well I love you. With all my heart…and MORE.

Tell me how im supposed to breathe with no air (air) Oooh....

(Verse 1) [ Jordin S.] If i should die before I wake Its cause you took my breath away losing you is like living in a world with no air Ohhh... [ Chris B.] Im here alone didnt want to leave My heart won't move its incomplete wish there was a way that i can get you to understand

(Pre-Chorus) But How Do you expect me To live alone with just me Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe

(Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep Tell me how you gon be without me if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air

No air air (ohhhh) No air air (noooo) No air air (ohhhh) No air air

( Verse 2 ) [ Chris B.] I Walked I Ran I Jumped I Flew Right off the ground To float to you Theres no gravity To hold me down Foreal

[Jordin S.] But Somehow Im still alive inside You took my breath But i survived I don't know how But i don't even care

(Pre-Chorus) So How (How) [No Air lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Do you expect me (Me) To live alone with just me (Ohh) Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe

( Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air (ohhh) thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep (So deep) Tell me how you gon be without me (Without Me Yeahhh) if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air

No air air (ohhhh) No air air (ohhhh) No air air (ohhhh) No air air (No More)

uhh uhh uhh No Air (ohhh) uhh uhh uhh (Baby) No Air (ohhh) uhh uhh uhh No Air

Its No Air No Air Heyyy.. Oooooo.. No Aiiiiiir Oooooo..

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep (So deep) Tell me how you gon be without me (Without Me Yeahhh) if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air

Do you expect me To live alone with just me Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe

(Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air [ Jordin S.] Got me out here and the water so deep [ Chris B.] Tell me how you gon be without me [ Jordin S.] if you ain't here i just can't breathe [Both] Its No Air No Air

No air air (ohh) No air air (ohh) No air air (No air)

[Both] No Air...

Hey I'm going to write and then im going to check from my phone at 10 but i wont be able to write back then so if you can put something up in between it would be greatly appreciated. I love you and i am glad to hear that you feel like this is a good thing for you because i was really worried about that. Anyway I really dont worry that much about the felonies, it is just a scary thought that it is possible. Oh and i am going to have my parents try and call between tomorrow and sat. We leave for a three day drive to florida on sunday, so i will be bored but if you do move up it will mean that i am only one hour ahead of you and that i can get a call pretty much at any time for 2 weeks because i am on spring break. After spring break i have 3 weeks and then, APRIL 18th and i am looking forward to it so much (even though i dont know if its for sure). Oh and to solve your polar bear problem if they are guy bears just kick one in the nuts and the rest will scamper away. If they are girl polar bears deffinatly dont kick them in the nuts they start crying and then you have to comfort them and ugghhh its just annoying to try and find a frozen salmon at 3 am. i used to have the exact same problem but they used to play C-lo at night and would try and get me to gamble with them. Man i could never seem to beat them i must of lost at least 4 bottles of shampoo and 3 t shirts. (yeah im a high roller lol) Anyway i know what you mean about just chillen together and you dont know how much i cant wait for that. I miss you. I love you, i want to hold you, and more. Yours and only yours DMF

Babe Last night was such a big step for me. I need you to understand this if nothing else. I was able to trust you. Those feelings and thoughts. Those are the thoughts I try to hide. I know you would never hurt me. In any way. I trust you when you say you’re not drinking or doing drugs. Now if you could figure out a way to stop me from automatically thinking about my bio parents every time something, no matter how big, doesn’t go as I expected every time something, no matter how big, doesn’t go as I expected, or something seems wrong , that would be amazing. But let’s get real. I am still affected by them and may still be for the rest of my life. But I don’t want that getting in the way of anything with my parents. With friends and especially not with you. Babe I love you so much and I want you to understand it’s not your fault. This would have happened sooner or latter and with anyone. Unfortunately it’s hard. But that’s the best part. I’m not running. I’m working through it, with you. With people I care so much about. I’m changing so much, and last night, as angry as I seemed, just talking to you, felt good. I told you a lot of s*** I never wanted anyone to know. Surprise, I haven’t only felt it with you. Your just the only person I have felt safe enough telling. So if that makes you feel any better. I fear those things with EVERYONE. Why do you think I put up a front of “Don’t f*** with me” when I first meet people. If I show that they can’t affect me in any way then they can’t hurt me. I’m basically trying to convince myself that I’m okay. I try to reassure myself that they won’t hurt me by acting like that. I couldn’t expect you to understand all of this. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t want you to feel bad. As much as this sucks for me right now, its doing more good than I thought it could. Please don’t give up on me babe. You have been such a big support for me so far. You mean the world to me. I love you. I trust you. It’s hard but my heart tells me I can trust you. Maybe I should finally listen to my wilderness therapist, and stop following my head and start following my heart. I know, Cheesy, huh? Well =] lol. But really. I think if you do come out for my next visit, things will go really well. Even if nothing happens, just being with you and talking to you about anything that goes on and you being able to be there to help me, hold me, and keep me safe. Kinda like my painting…hehe…oh yeah. Back to your worries. Honestly, if my parents found out in the future that we’re having s** they would probably be mad, disappointed, but never would they be mad at you. Mostly with me. But they would charge you. It is my choice. So unless you actually to force me into it and then they found that out…yeah I would worry about going to jail. But you wouldn’t. Besides, my dad is never going to want to know that his little girl is having s**. But he knows that he cant control it. He knows that I know how to be safe and all that fun stuff and that’s as much as he can do. I decide. They aren’t going to criticize you because of a choice I made. So…you get my point .so hopefully this will put your mind at some rest. I love you babe…and I hate to say this but your little polar bear friends are pissing me off. They like to stay up late with my new roommate baub and play poker. It gets so annoying and I have had to throw my shoes at them multiple times but they keep on playing. I am seriously about to kick them out. My room is getting way too crowded. Maybe I’ll just move to Ohio and live with you. Although I don’t know how I would get to school. I’d have to fly and that would just be a huge pain I n the a**. Maybe I’ll just stay with you.Yeah…that’s it. I’ve solved all of life’s problems. I’ll just move in with you. That way I won’t have to deal with those polar bears. Well imma wrap this up before I start rambling again. Oh by the way. I miss you so much. Especially at night in the courtyards. Well I’m done. Colleen said im moving up NET Wednesday. Typical of her. But oh well. I’ll call you next week. Write ASAP. Even if it has nothing to do with what I wrote, I love hearing from you.love you. With all my heart…and MORE.

Well I wrote all of this stuff in the morning and i think that it is pretty much all after the moment, but i want to leave it up because i think it needs to be addressed. Anyway i am an idiot because i typed a whole paragraph and closed the window not remembering to save it so I am trying to remeber what i said. It was baisicly that when you read this i want you to know that i really really really care for you and that I want what is best for you and i am asking your opinion of what is best. Thats it. BTW Did you make everest?????? if so congrats and please call me. lol. I would really like to talk this through, because it is hard to really express myself typing. I love you and i miss you. I am still really wondering what you were thinking last night that you wouldn't tell me. I dont want to be the cause of this much worry. I still want to help you, not hurt you. Honestly right now i dont know what to think, i dont know weather i should be sad, upset, angry, or anything. I dont have any idea what i really think about this, i dont think you should be worried and i dont like being compared to your parents but at the same time i see why you are worring. i am just...well...whatever i dont know anything right now. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? I am really trying to get everything done and set up so that i can possibly come see you, and i really want to do that still. Is that what you want. I am going to ask a serious question right now, and i dont want you to get mad at me because my answer is a deffinat no, but is this to hard for you right now? Should we wait until the summer??? these are serious questions i think you need to look at, because in alot of ways it is easier for me being out here but it is still really hard and i cant imagine being in your position. I mean if this is what you wanted i would still really want to talk to you and see how your doing and i would write to you. I dono, like i said i think that i can handle the time of us not being "free" together. I am jsut wondering where you are at. And please dont think that i am asking just because of the drinking thing, its just that i dont know how your doing right now and i dont know wether i am helping. And I want to make sure that you know i still LOVE YOU and that I know YOU STILL LOVE ME and this is in no way doubting how much you care. Nor am i leaving you in any way. I am still here for you completly. I just want to know what you think. I LOVE AND MISS YOU sooooo much. Yours and only Yours DMF

Well I am worried. Really worried. To the point where it is pissing me off. So what…is that vodka still in your room by your bed? Were you lying to me when you said you haven’t drank since you’ve been home…and why the f*** were you acting that way last night. Saying that you couldn’t get me drunk or high…I don’t care if you were joking. It wasn’t funny. You obviously don’t know how much that affected me last night. It scared me so much. And I know you’re going to try to tell me not to worry but how can I not. You know the way alcohol treated my parents and in return how they treated me…you have issues with anger and depression…alcohol and that does not mix well babe!!! I don’t want you to become my f***en parents!!! I care too much about you to see stand by and watch that. Even if your not doing that right now, last night it still sounded like that’s what you wanted in the future. And no s*** it’s a big thing with teenagers but that doesn’t mean you have to do that too. I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you cared more about yourself than to try to “fit into the crowd” like most people. I don’t care if you’re really doing it or not.i just want you to be honest with me and know how I am feeling about that stuff. It really bothers me. And I don’t want it to. Cuz I trust you but I also really care about you. Please don’t lie to me. I may call tonight. If not tomarrow. I love you. With all my heart…and More.

Hey I have been sober all my life. I have been drunk once (at my ex girlfriends grandpas birthday party). other then that i used to keep a bottle of vodka in my room so i could mix a shot with a drink if i wasn't feeling very good. (One shot is not enough to get me drunk btw) It was just to take the edge off. Anyway babe i have never been high, i have already not gone to shit because i knew there would be pressure there. You have to understand that drugs and drikning are a normal part of high school for most people, but my close friends and i really dont do anything. Our fun weekends are making ourselves look stupid at the mall or playing rock band (and still looking stupid). We arent really into all the drugs and shit some of our other freinds are into and they pretty much understand that. Especially right now i am staying away from shit because i need to get into shape for baseball. Anyway what im trying to say is you dont need to worry about me, i dont plan on doing anything and if i do it will probally only be drinking (not alot) and i can handle myself. But even that doesn't really look like its going to happen right now and i am happy about that. I am a weird kid babe, i act funny, i act high, i jsut chill, laugh and try to have a good time. I am being me which before utah i hadn't been for years. I make mistakes and i learn and move on. I love you sooo freaking much and this out of all things should not be a deal for you, (although i think it is super cool that you are really worried 4 me and not just about me), but you dont have to be. You need to focus on everest and jobs and school. Untill summer i can get by. I Love you, and stop worrying (your as bad as me). Love you so freaking much more it is ridiculous.

Of corse you can call me at ten. I love you and i' will wait 4 ur call. Congrats baby movin up ahhhhhh I am so freaking excited. P.S just printed pictures (sorry so late) and i am going to try to send them and a few old letter tomorrow morning. Love you.

So I was wondering if I could call at 10 ur time. If not maybe tomarrow. But I was completely kidding about baub. He’s my art project and everyone seems to think he’s real so I made up a history for him and well that’s how baub came to be. I just wanted to mess with you.but besides that I am off orientation. Oh. This whole wikipedia thing will have to end soon. The school is changing the computer system and…it’s not going to work. I’ll let you know before that happens. But I should be making everest this Wednesday.and yes I can call you whenever for an hour at a time anytime I basically want.well write back ASAP. Love you so f***en much. With all my heart…and More. Hey so i am missing you like crazy right now hope to here from u soon.

So I am guessing the reason you haven't responded to either page is that you are orientation for the phone call thingy.Well there are 2 things i want to talk to you about. the first is that my parents just left a message on your parents answering machine about me comming up and i am super nervous. Second thing is that I just watched an episode of The West Wing with my parents and there is a really long situation, but it turns out the presidents youngest daughter hates showing him that she is scared. It made me think alot, and i know it was all just an act and a script written out, but it made me think. I dont want to make this into anything i am just going to kinda ramble, i respect you so much and i cant even imagine how hard it must be to hide what you feel, I am really open and tell everyone everything i feel and i have started to hide feelings because i dont want my parents to worry. So I dont even know what i am saying, because on no level will i ever come close to understanding the struggle you have, but I feel alot closer to you when i think like i am right now, thats why i had to write to you. I really want to hold you right now, and just be with you. I love you im done rambling, there was alot more but i type to slow and it all comes out bad so its gone. I love you and cant wait to talk with you sometime this week. Yours and only yours DMF.

Hey yeah so this weekend i am going to try and edit the other page from my phone. It will all be short stuff, but just quick notes about how im doing. I believe you about the new boy, Lucky bastard is all i have to say, he is honestly living my dream right now and i wouldnt even care if it was in willow creek. But i am glad that you can talk to him and help him. Congrats on everest. Will that mean u can call whenever u want?????? or at least more often???? I'm sorry today was rough. Do you mind telling me what you were talkin about or why it was hard? I mean i get the jist it is just that i dont really always know what your talking about when you say hard s***. Well i love you and am so freaking jelous of that kid. i love and miss you. Yours and only yours DMF

Yeah. I know. The new boy is really nice though. He’s had a really rough life. I talk to him a lot. He’s also helped me a little with what’s been going on for me. He can kinda relate. Its really cool actually. Although I have to say its really awkward cuz I some times change in my room and he just appears. Well I mean it’s his room too but I should probably get better at not changing in my room. Oh well. Today was also tough. I’ve been crying almost all day. Too much s***. Caseload was hard. Really hard. Then colleen talked to me after and then it was school and then I got all emotional again . thank god I was able to miss 1st period. Plus I will be moving up to Everest next Wednesday. I know…I am so excited. But really if you don’t believe that there is a new boy on our dorm. Just ask turtle. He’s just as confused but he’ll tell you about him. And no this isn’t a joke. I’m dead serious. I wish I was kidding but…oh well. Hope you have fun skiing. And don’t feel worried about putting your stuff on me. That’s why I’m here well one of the reasons. By here I mean here for you. I care. And I wasn’t worried. I trust that you would talk to me if you were really that upset and depressed. And I trust you. You promised you would never get that low again and I believe you. And I know you would talk to me if you did. Well I love you lots. Write back a soon as you can. With all my heart…and More.

They put a new boy in your room???? WTF I asked at least 3 times a week to get put in your room and they told me it could never happen. Come on. lol. Anyway thats really weird, but i dont really care, he must feel so freaking akward though. BE NICE.lol. Anyway your deffinatly right, i haven't really been putting my ish on you because up untill the last week or so i havent had very much and then you have had all of your own stuff to deal with so i have't really wanted to make your life harder with my problems. I mean really my stuff is all kinda stupid anyway. (do you mean writting online or actually sending letters BTW) Anyway if you really want to know whats up with me, I am having a hard time doing work and caring, i dont know what to care about, besides my friends and family, and I am having a hard time going to stuff that is hard for me like school and baseball. I went to my family therapist the other day and he told me that i am doing alot of negative self talk and that I have really low motivation and he is questioning if i actually am "depressed". It really pissed me off actually, I know it shouldn't, but i have spent the last year off meds and had great times, and not felt like i do right now. (DONT WORRY) I am fine, I just really miss my friends and being able to hang out alot and those are the only times i really enjoy and everything else is just work. At Excel and WC it was like 70%chill and 30%work here its about 90% work and 10% chill and i dont think i am wrong saying that this lifestyle really doesn't fit me. i like to just hang out and not have to worry and not having to work hard to even see my friends outside of school because everyone is just so consumed. I am bored. I miss you, too much, and honestly i cant wait until the summer when we can just hang out, go camping, go biking and i might even ride a horse for you, but that is a huge MIGHT and probally will never ever ever ever happen, but we could go find some goats and i might steal you one so you can bring it home and freak your mom out. But seriously, I just miss having you around to talk to, to chill with, to make fun of me (or at least try your best), to attempt to beat me in E.R.S., to threaten me, to laugh with me, to be sneaky with me, to worry me, to be us. I love you. I will write more later tonight. (I go skiing tomorow and will be gone all weekend but i will see if i can edit from my phone. I think i am going to create a new user name right now actually i will log back on once i have done it. Love you. Yours and only yours DMF (mobileshaggy) you keep writting on this page, but i will see if i can edit that page from my phone and you can read it. Love you

Hey so…I thought I would let you know…so there’s this new boy…and for some reason they put him in my room…quiet boy…tends to keep to himself…but whatever…so like I said earlier you’re parents can call at around 6-9 on the weekend…so please start writing more…iwold really like to know whats going on with you…and don’t feel like you’re putting it all on me…not unless you really want to though…lol…but really…talk to me…I miss you a lot…wish I was there with you…write back ASAP…even if its just reminiscing on past memories that will make me smile…love you…with all my heart…and More.

I miss you right now. ALot Hey so Life is crazy, and so is wikipedia because they decided that my last entry was vandalism and took it down so im sorry but this is all i can do for tonight. So why is everyone making fun of me? I would really like to know, is it because they are jelouse of my amazing good looks, or might it be because i am so witty and charming, or is it just the fact that i am a loser hence an easy target for humerous slander by all. Probally the first one. Anyway i love you and miss you a ton, and i am soo excited that my parents want to talk with yours considering your mom sounds like she is really in favor of this. Well i gotta run, love you.

So last night i checked, but it was from my phone and im still not sure how to edit from there so I just read. Again I am sorry that you got into touble, (how much btw), but i felt alot better after getting your response last night. Did you get permission to call? I will be able to get phone calls any time from 6:10-10:30 my time today and then im not sure about tomorrow but i will write to let you know. YES of course i still have your necklace. I took it out of my jacket though because I didn't want to lose it, but it is in a bow with pretty much everything i have from you. I know you care about me and i wasn't saying that you weren't, Sometimes i just used to worry, but that was awhile ago. Have you talked to collene at all about me comming to visit. My parents asked me that when i asked them again if i could come. (They said they would get back to me in the next few days and they still haven't answered.) They said that if they say i can go that the next step would probally be them talking to your parents (fun) and then from there they will talk it out. Well i have to run and do a math test i will write later.

Hey. Don’t worry. I won’t be risking that again. You honestly don’t understand how much it means to me that you wrote all that. I think about those things all the time and yes it definitely helps me get through things. Please keep on writing. For some reason its working. I don’t think I have smiled this much all day. I really do care about you and as I have written before, I really want things to work between us because I really care about you a lot. Babe don’t forget that you will always have my heart. Speaking of hearts…do you still have my necklace heart/ well write back if you can. With all my heart…and More.

Hey, I am sorry you got into trouble, please don't risk that again, i know you needed something but it really means alot to me to be able to talk with you as often as possible. I miss you and it sucks that i cant be the one to sit with you wether or not you feel like being held or if i could just sit with you and be there for the exact moment when you needed me. I am going to be there for you when you get home and i am here for you now in the fact that you can at least count on the fact that i am thinking about you and that i love you and i know you dont want me to but i worry about you. Alot actually. I wish so much, all the time that i could somehow make this easier for you, but alot of this stuff is what you need to do. I love that you are doing it and trying and thats all i want you to do is whatever you can. You amaze me because...well...becase you are so much and your history is hard and yet you still are an amazing person. I hope you know that if i could i would give you the world, the stars, the heavens, and the universe, i would do anything to show you how much i cared, but right now i hope that a box of chocolates, a t-shirt, alot of typing, a few letters, and some pretty good times together can do the trick. That is until i can figure out some other way to make you smile. I am here for you, where ever i am, im here and when ever you need me remeber our first kiss, or a lunch together, or a night in the courtyard where you promised to never throw rocks at me, or another night telling the most politically uncorrect jokes ever but being together. Do you remeber the day i was cleaning out my first room and saw you out in the courtyard? you were eating M n M's and reading (whoa since when do you do that without me forcing you.) How about the first night in the library where i told you that i liked you. Or the night on the couch corner in the commons on my dorm where i realized that it was finally time for me to say i love you. One more, the day i got to sit with my are "on the couch" while you rested your head on my hand, You would kiss my hand and i would play with your hair and run my finger on your cheek, that was real. That was one of the moments that i looked back on when you were mad at me and new that you really cared. I know you remeber some times where you felt the same way. Life is crazy and you know that better then i, but we are two people each with our own struggles trying to help eachother through. I dont worry for a second that you aren't going to care about me anymore, i know that in some way you will always care for me. And i am not going to f*** that up. I Love you. More. Yours and only yours DMF. more P.S. I am going to check this around 10 my time and then i have to get to bed, 5:45 baseball practice tomorrow morning.

F***!!!!!!!!!!!Yes I did get in trouble. And I don’t know if I am going to be able to call you today. I’ll ask colleen tomorrow. But besides that fact I had a really really really hard night last night. I swear I haven’t had so many intense panic attacks all in the span of 2 hours. 6 attacks. And that’s not counting all the minor ones I’ve had. They haven’t been like this before. I am so in shock that even if someone touches me I jump. Last night it was if someone touched me I’d freak out. And I don’t know what the heck they were, maybe flash backs but whatever they were I could speak, breathe, think or move. I would just start screaming and crying. Things are getting so bad that I realized I’m almost willing to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Such as try to sneak a call to you because I knew I wouldn’t be thinking about my feelings. I would be thinking about how to get away with it. I am really sorry. I feel like I am going crazy. I had another attack today. I was put on watch this morning but taken off. I wont run. I promise. I honestly don’t think I have that in me at the moment. It’s been hard. Please write back ASAP. I need as much support as I can get right now. It feels like my life is going to s*** right now. I really just need sometime alone here but that isn’t possible. We had this group today for one of the girls basically talking about her abusive past. That didn’t help for s***. And it really doesn’t help that I am about to have another one. Please write back. With all my heart…and More.

Well Im feeling a little better today and i really dont want to put my troubles on you right now so jsut know that i am fine. I'm really sorry i didn't get your call saturday because sunday you obviously didn't have another chance to call. Good luck on presenting all your stuff, please write and tell me how it went. I love you. more. Oh and if you can please try to tell me when you are going to call so i can be ready. I love you i will check this again at -2:30-3:30 my time today. More. Yours and only yours DMF. Hey Well you just called Kinda, And i am hoping that you didn't get into trouble or anything. I still have my phone on me so you can call anytime. I miss you and im not doing so hot right now so i would really like to talk to you, but if thats not possible dont worry about it Im alright. I just talked to Eric and Dan is visiting him so thats cool. Anyway i love you and i miss you. If you dont call ill write tomorrow morning and let you know whats going on for me. I Asked my parents about going to NJ today but they said they need a few days so i was like ok. I hope it works out, I love you Soo much and thats all im thinkin bout right now. Good luck with your interview. I love you more.

So I have a interview at Zumiez this week. Made friends with the people working there today. Should be fun. I have seriously been there since like 12 this morning. Got back at around 6 my time bout 20 min ago. Um…well I’ll see if I can call. It’s kinda tricky though. Gotta ask the right person. And at the right time. So hopefully. Hopefully @ around 8:30-11 ur time so yeah. Had lots of fun today. Wish you were here though. I miss you a lot. And no you will not win. I am too stubborn to let you win. Plus its just not true so you’re just going to have to drop it and accept it one day. And one day you will. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure of this. Lol. But yeah if you can write back ASAP. And I’ll try to call you. Love you. With all my heart…and more.

GREAT, I am going to talk with my parents tonight and see whats going on so lets hope! Anyway, It would be great if i could stay at your house, but if i bring a friend then i think it would just be really weird for them to stay there and we would probally be better off in a hotel. I still dont know if i going to need a friend or if my parents want to come or what. It really doesn't matter if i stay at your house though, in alot of ways it would be really nice. However i am not going to be very risky with in your parents house, especially the first time i meet them, but i really dont mind just waiting for another time or just going somewhere else, whatever you feel like. I am so bummed i missed your call. I had no service and couldnt get calls, but i am hopping you will be able to call today/tonight. If you could write me and tell me a time range i can make sure to try and stay in service. I love you sooo much, and am eagerly awaiting the time when we can see each other again. Yours and only yours DMF P.S. more and i will win, because its true. P.P.S It is 7:06 my time and i am home all night and will have my phone on untill 11:30 More

Hey so I talked to my mom. She said she would talk to my dad. She was even thinking you could sleep over at my house. You AND your friend so that’s an option too. Don’t worry. You two won’t be sleeping in the same bed. Although that makes things a little bit more complicated. Oh well. At least if you stay at my house well we can stay up later. And…just hang out. Whatever. I don’t have any expectations for my visit but I should say that my mom is highly considering you coming. So yeah. If you have any ideas let me know. But if you do come, you may most likely be staying at my house. Considering the way my mom was talking that would probably be the only condition. Well write back ASAP. With all my heart…and MORE.

Hey so I am really bored. There is absolutely NOTHING going on in this school. So I thought I would write. The only problem is that I don’t really know what to write about. Oh well looks like I am rambling today. So…I am trying to think if anything interesting happened today. Nope. Well if you are home and available to answer, please do. ASAP. 47 days…I really cant wait…I’ll try to call you in a little. Love you. With all my heart…and MORE. Hey. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to come off angry but this is hard. It really is. I probably won’t be able to call you this weekend. Things aren’t going to be going my way so yeah. If I do it will most likely be tomorrow. if I do then yeah but if not then sometime this week. Probably after my whole thing with having to share my life with the whole school. So like Thursday or Friday. so this weekend is going to be really boring. I’ll probably do something tomorrow. Such as hang out at the mall and buy a bunch of junk food and hang around the dorm. I would go to the east dorm but there’s nothing to do there anymore. I know I have a ton of friends over there but they’re all so boring and just sit on their a**es and the ones that don’t play monopoly and…yeah you get my point. But then again my dorm is the same way except that we now have guitar hero and tend to throw a tournament every weekend and it drives me crazy so if that happens tomorrow then I might be able to call you or I’ll be on the east dorm. W/e. anyways. So have you listened to those songs yet? Tell me what you think. 47 days!!! F***. Can time go any slower? Well I am glad you found a friend to come with and a way to get rid of him. Lol. Oh yeah by the way be fore I forget…Here’s the hotel. You can look up directions urself. 459 Tonnele Ave, Jersey City, NJ 07307 (Red Carpet Inn). Well I guess I am out for the rest of the day. I’ll write again tomorrow. If I can. I love you. So much. More!!! With all my heart…and MORE!!! (You won’t win this. Just learn to accept it. I love you more.)Hehe.

Im really sorry babe but i really needed sleep, tonight i will bew up late but durring the afternoon i dont know how much access i will have to a comp. But i will check up often from my phone and i am trying to figure out if i can edit it from my phone. I am sooo sorry babe, all i want to do is be there for you and you really dont understand how much it kills me that im not. I LOVE YOU. I want to scream it every second I LOVE YOU sooooo much. I'm sorry, i will have my phone on me so i should be able to answer, your better shot is tommorrow but i dont know if you can do that. I also wont be as bad about going to bed this week. Im soo sorry. Seriously though like you dont have to worry about me not carring anymore, lol. well i have to shower but keep me updated babe and even if i cant respond immediatly write whatever you want and ill do it ASAP. Love you. Yours and ONLY YOURS DMF If you can call between 2-4 my time i will deffinatly answer.

Since this is the second night in a row that you seem to be going to bed early, I guess I’ll just be honest. It makes me mad. I don’t know why but it does. And I know it’s not your fault but w/e. I just wish I could fast forward to a time when we could be together and I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to have you there to support me. Anyways, so there’s a new study hour schedule. After third period the girls go to study hour for 2o min while the guys eat and then switch. And then we all go to study hour to finish the last 40 min. So yeah. Do with that new info as you will. So I don’t know for sure if I will be able to call this weekend but if I do please pick up. I’ll do it most likely later on in the day so yeah. But it depends. Since you aren’t home in the mornings anymore it will make things a little harder but I’ll try. I know a way. Don’t ask…just accept. I miss you. So much. Do you wanna know a fear of mine? That you won’t be there for me when I leave. That you’ll have moved on. That you won’t care anymore. And I know you will but yeah…you know what I mean. It’s still there for me. Oh yeah…I can’t really talk to turtle. He’s always on the guys’ dorm and the only time I see him is during school. And I can’t be all like hey can we talk instead of me going to class. I mean that’s not realistic. So I don’t know when I would talk to him. Although next term I will also have a class wit him so maybe then. IS so that should be good. Oh well. And since you obviously won’t be responding til late tomorrow and I probably won’t be on by then…that’s all I have to say right now. I really miss you. But I honestly don’t know what to do right now. You’re so far away and aside from the one call I have with you (and the other call that no one knows about) and the occasional letters and the rare responses on the computer, well your not here. And that kills me. I know that I will see you again in 47 days but its hard waiting for then. And it will only be for like a day and then you go back home. And then another month will go by and I’ll be back @ the end of June for another visit and I don’t know if you’ll be out of school by then so you can spend more time but even then it will be for only like a week or so. Hopefully I’ll be out sometime in July. But you’ll be with family. I don’t know much about anything right now. Wish I did but I don’t. oh well, I guess all I can do is wait and see and trust that things will work out. w/e. with all my heart…and More.

ok so i am sooo sorry but i have to get to bed i have baseball early tomorrow moring and i am wiped. I love you so much. And i am so happy to hear that your doing better and sorry i couldn't be there. Anyway one quick thing i know what you mean about your bio parents but really what i hate is that you do feel like that, because no matter what should a kid be physically/mentally hurt. I know it doesnt change anyhting its just how i feel. I have more to say on what u wrote so please dont deleate. I love you soo much. (more) Yours and only yours DMF

So today has been much better. It’s still hard. Sorry things have been hard for you. Just stick with it til the end of the school year and then you can decide if that’s where you need to be. I know how you feel. I miss you so much too. And I also miss Dan, Billy, and Eric. If you ever talk to them, tell them I say hi and that I miss them. Nick misses you a lot too. He’s in Thailand now but should be back soon. I hope you have fun with those renovations. On another note, that’s cool about Kevin. That should work out well. No I haven’t talked to my parents yet though I probably will this weekend. I don’t know if I have a curfew. I’ll talk to them about that too. Well, now to put in my two cents. I didn’t say that I cared what had happened to my bio parents to make them that way. I basically said, and I know this isn’t the truth, but in those moments where I am so f***en scared to the point where nothing makes sense, I feel as if it was my fault. And I know that it isn’t. I know this but I can’t help but think it. I remember once when you told me you wanted to know what I was thinking and my opinions and what goes on inside my head. A lot of these things I keep to myself for a reason but I want you to know. I want you to be able to be there for me and help me through things even when it seems I don’t want the help. I want you to know me. All of me. The good and the bad. But not right now. It would mean more in person. And be easier for me. And no. there is no way you could love me more. You can’t even begin to understand the impact you have had on me and my life. You mean so much to me and there is no way to explain it. I could try but it might end up being a really long letter. And I think you already know how in some ways you affected me. But not the full extent. I need you. And that alone scares me. I know you’re there for me. Thanks. I love you. So much. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. With all my heart…and More.

Hey babe. So yes I am in a much better place. I am so happy you were able to write back it really means a lot to me. I know a lot of what came up for me last night, those thoughts, I know they aren’t true but they are still there for me. I’ll be able to talk more at 6:30-6:55 my time and then again from 7;20-8:00 my time or later if you want. But yeah. Lunch is soon just thought I’d send something quick. Love you so much. With all my heart…and more. Oh wait I’ll also be here hopefully maybe after lunch too. And don’t worry. I don’t have any feelings of running yet and if I did you’d be the first to know. Love you. more

I Got 20 min before school where i am going to write as much as possible. I will also check a few times durring the day, again right before the end of school and then right after baseball. I am so sorry that I went to bed early last night other wize i would have spent half the night writting this response. I have so much to way about what you wrote you dont even understand. It is going to be all jumbled because that is what my head is like right now and i really want to talk about some specific things. FIRST AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT, you are deffinatly not your parents nor will you ever be, you probally have some simillar characteristics but you will never be like them. Also on that note the only way you will ever cause that much pain is if you willing think about it because you do know what it feels like and you are so aware of it. Secondly YOU ARE NOT F***ED UP, your life is different then most but alot of people share the same or simmaler deals. You are a truly amazing person, honestly i am so happy i met you, because you have gone through the struggles and all you have done is run and fight. If it was me before treatment i would have found them, hurt them, and then probally have ended up hating myself more and probally not be alive. I thought my life was hard, horrible, disturbing, and every other negative outlook on it because i was stupid, you have alot you have struggled with and sure you have made mistakes but at the same time you are concious of them and are TRYING to change. You are trying and thats all you can do. Don't run no matter how hard it gets, you remeber what it leads to. i know you will want to really bad and i understand that this is the hardest shit you have to go through, but you have different ways you can deal now. If you feel like running, write me, I dont care what you have to say just right F**** untill you calm down or talk to Turtle, he is an amazing person to talk to, See if when you are really struggling if you can call me. If i dont answer just leave a message, Yell/Scream do whatever you have to. Just DO SOMETHING. I love you so much and you dont know how bad it hurts that i cant be there when you need me. Theres nothing i can do but i still kinda feel like its my fault. Keep me updated, let me help as much as i can. *(if you read before i write dont deleate what you said i have so much more to say.) OHHHHHHH next big point (My opinion and you might not like it but its how i feel), I dont give a D*** if your bio parents were abused or if they were going through alot or evene if they didn't mean it. IT IS NOT OK TO DO WHAT THEY DID, regardless of whatever was going on. I hate people who hit kids, I hate anybosdy who is willing you use fists or weapons against a child. Do you know how small you were when you were 3, I know it makes you angry, and i will probally never be able to feel exactly the same, but it pisses me off to ever hear about that kind of stuff and I dont forgive that. It is one of my unforgivables.(first free period ill have another 20-30 min after lunch) Anyway back to a former point you said That you hate alot of stuff about you and i jsut want to say that those things are part of you. I know you might not like them and i know that right now it sucks to have them but regardless they are part of who you are right now. I dont know how much this will affect your opinions but I am ok with it taking a long time for you to trust me, i am ok with you being scared, I want you to be scared and i want you to feel emotions and show them. I really want to share those emotions with you and all you can do right now is work on it on anything YOU WANT to change and i am perfectly fine with waiting, but at the same time i am happy with who you are, im not waiting for you to become somebody. (I dont know if that really made sense but to some it up i love you now, i will love you if you change, and i will love you if you dont.) I miss you, I love you, (more). BTW just reread what you wrote and drinking doesn't help, it numbs and that doesn't solve the problem. I understand the desire, i used to drink a little when i was upset. Ne way you probally know that, but i dono. (did you have more a of a drinking problem then u told me. I really dont care im just wondering.) (got to go hope to hear from you soon.)(Ok so its after lunch 12:20 here so 10:20 there so you are probally just gettin ready to go out for balance.) Anyway I am just going to write now, not so much on what you wrote anymore but i will probally jump back and forth. I am not doing so hot right now, Life is good, im happy to be free, baseball is starting, and i am glad to be back with my friends. I just am having a really hard time knowing if i want to go to this school or not next year, i am also really struggling with the fact that you are still in utah and that i cant do anything about it. I miss you and really dont feel like hanging out with anyone except you and a few choice freinds. I miss everyone from willowcreek, especially Dan, Billy, Eric, and Nick. I miss living with my friends and being able to chill all day. My school is really demanding and it seems to just take over life and i really dont want that to happen, but i mean an example is today on a friday i was at school at 7:30 and i will be here until 5:30-6 and then i have to go home and have a few hours with my family and i am not free untill 8:30-9 but alot of my friends are takeing the SAT tommorrow so they can't be out late. And I know that isn't necissarilly my schools fault but i'm just soooooooo bored. Anyway tonight i will probally work on finnishing up the renovations i started in my basement 2 years ago and hopefully havbe it done by the summer so we can chill down there at some point. In my letters (i am sending tommorrow with pictures if they will print) I talk about a few of my friends i have asked if they will come with me if i need them. The most likely one right now i didn't write about, his name is kevin and there is a huge advantage to having him come. He spent last semester in NYC at school and alot of his friends are there so if i can get him to a train station he can spend the day with his friends and then we can chill with him at night. (Do you have a curefue(spelled wrong i think) on your visits?) And have you talked to your parents about me comming yet? I hope that you are feeling a little better today, i know that this sucks for you, but i'm really happy that you are at least going to give it a shot. You can deffinatly do it. Well I am going to sign off for now. I hope you had fun reading all of this. I Love and miss you. - Yours and only Yours DMF (More) P.S. I will be back on at 1:40-2:00 my time.

Since you’re obviously not going to write back tonight, I guess I’ll just vent. I am going through s*** right now. I am going through a minor panic attack. Even though it’s minor and not full fledged, it still scares me. I really don’t know what to do. I know I should talk about it but I don’t want to cry. Holy s***. I bet you’re wondering why I am so scared. Well, those feelings that I still have about my bio parents are so strong, so real. So far, I’ve let them control everything I do. The way I act towards people, why I don’t trust people, why I treat some people the way I do, why I don’t like “parent figures”. I don’t mind my parents. It’s that, as I see it, with parents, you lose all your control. They control my life. They can hurt me that way. If I don’t have a sense of control they can hurt me. So bad. I can’t let them have control over me again. Things have gotten better with my parents because I am letting go of that resentment a little but to really feel my resentment…I fear that would bring up all my hate and I’ll just fall into who I was before. The last time I truly felt the pain of my resentments towards my bio parents I ended up running. It was just too overwhelming. Now I need to feel them with everyone. And I don’t know how that is going to look. I know that at home, when I felt it, it was so scary. I would go crazy, yelling and screaming. The anger came out. I don’t want to feel that. Not anymore. That’s why I haven’t talked about it. My feelings scare me. I always think that if I show anger, I’ll just end up like my parents. I’ll hurt someone. And I don’t want that. But just thinking about those things, I want to get rid of them and really want to drink it all away. Just like my parents. So either way I’ll end up like them. And I don’t want to. But I don’t know what to do. Talk about it. Okay. My fears with getting close to people…honest truth…they’ll hurt me. Hit me. I can’t take sudden movements from any one. First thought, I flinch, and get really scared but don’t show it. I can’t. It shows weakness. I couldn’t show that I was weak when I was little. I couldn’t cry. Or else I would get hit. No emotions. I can’t show that I am happy. It will get taken away from me. It won’t last long. That’s what scares me about you. I know you wont but there’s still that fear that you might turn on me. You know so much. I trust you so much. That means you could hurt me to the point that I don’t think anyone else could no matter how hard they tried. I really just want all of this to go away. I didn’t ask for all these problems. I hate who I’ve became because of them. I hate that I can’t feel comfortable with people and always feel scared and on my guard. I hate that my life has been so f***ed up! Just because I don’t remember details doesn’t mean that I don’t remember the pain. The fear. The hurt. It is always present. I just wish that they could see the effect they’ve had on me. But then I think and try to justify the possible reason for why they treated me the way they did: they might have been treated that way when they were little too and that’s the only way they knew how to cope, or maybe they were going through a lot, or they didn’t mean it. Then I think about why I am even alive: for extra money. In Russia the more kids you have the gov. gives you extra money to help support. Well there were 6 of us. I was just a way to get more money. Why should anyone care about me? And I know I’ve come so far but that thought keeps coming up for me. Why do you care? Why do my parents care? It all just seems so unreal. Like it won’t last. So I test things and when they do break or end I make those things true for me. I prove to myself that they will leave, when really I did it to myself. Well I don’t know what’s left to say. Well a lot but I think that’s as much as I can handle right now. I love you. Please write back ASAP. I really need you.

Yes!!! Please write more. I am on like 50 times a day or can be so step it up babe. Start writing more. And the whole thing with my bio parents isn’t written it’s just me talking. But yeah I would like to talk to you about it but I’d rather in person. It would be awkward over the phone or in a letter. Well I miss you so much. I really wish you were here. This is really going to be so hard for me. I wont be sharing anything til next wee (colleen wants to be there for support) and I am already terrified and getting super emotional. I really hate it. You know how I feel about crying. I hate it and it makes me feel weak. And don’t even think about trying to make me look @ crying any differently. I’ve heard it all before so don’t waste ur breathe. It’s the way I grew up. That’s my S***. It hurts that you aren’t here though. Please write back ASAP. Love you

February 28, Im going to start this out by saying i miss you so freaking much and i love you even more which is pretty much impossible. Anyway I just downloaded the songs, but i havent listend to them yet sorry. I am getting really busy (Grrrr) but hopefully baseball gets better.) I have practice sat and sunday from 9-12 so i wont be able to get calls untill after that. I love you. I dont know what else to really talk about excpet that im really happy that you are doing all this stuff, its good that you can aknowlege that stuff but also learn more about exactly how you feel about difficult stuff. One day i would really like to hear that paper about both ur bio parents and parents in general if thats ok with you. Sorry i dont know what else to say, just i love and miis you./ If you want me to start writting more tell me. Yours and only yours DMF So I guess I’ll just talk. Well, other than what I told you earlier, things are going good. I really can’t wait til my visit. 50 days from today, 49 from tomorrow!! Um…I don’t really know. I guess as a response to what u wrote, you are, right now the one I need and want. I know I can trust you. And even though that scares me, I’m kinda getting used to it. You mean so much to me and it’s getting easier to talk to you. I trust you more than I thought I would ever allow myself to. Knowing this I hope you don’t go and F*** around with my trust. I know you wont but just as a warning…I wont play nice. But as I said I know you won’t (at least I’d hope not). It’s so weird. Looking back at who I used to be. It’s honestly like a 180. well I love you…with all my heart…and more. The reason I would possibly be crying for a month is that talking about my bio parents brings up so much that it scares me. Not only that but to make things worse I’ve been getting really bad panic attacks lately and thinking about my bio parents just intensifies them. Plus there is so much of it. Anger that is. And hurt. Even just saying that I was still angry to colleen I got teary-eyed. It won’t be fun but I really want to move up and am up to do it. It won’t kill me to try. But it still scares me so much. Especially knowing that I have to share it with a bunch of people I don’t know and for some, just don’t like or have no respect for. So that will be hard. But I am doing it for me not them. But I’m still scared. I talked to colleen today about you. About the phone call on Monday. She wants me to start doing that with people here. That’s my other assignment. Finding and asking for support when I need it from people here. That won’t be too hard. I kinda already do that. But she was glad that I was able to talk to you. Family session went really well. We talked about how much progress I’ve made and how much more real and genuine I have become. It was really cool to hear from my parents. They were also happy to hear that I want to make it to Everest. My mom made fun of you with the whole being like a girl on the phone thing. It was pretty funny. Well if you can respond then please do. Love you. With all my heart…and more.

Well dont deleat the songs ill loo them up later. Ne way im sorry about ur groups and having to talk in front of most of the school i know that is going to be really hard for you. But what do you mean about you crying for a month? I mean I know it will be hard to talk about that stuff with your parents but its how you feel and your attitude towards them has drastically changed, has it not? I mean i dont really know exactly how you feel about parents and authority but i know you dont really like the idea of it, but from what i see it is because you are mature, intelligent and independant and you dont really think that other people know what is best for you. Thats how i feel, and thats what i see in you (I might be way off) however your outlook might change, i doubt it though, probally the best that could happen is you compromising with authority, calmly talking with them and understanding that even if you think they are wrong know that they are at least trying to do what is best. The same goes for me. I dont really know whats good for you or how i can make you happy or anything, but i hope you know im trying and that i really want to be the guy you need. whatever that may be. I Love you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(hold on need to breath)...(ok)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much (more) Yours and only yours DMF I am happy that you like that song. It’s like one of my favorites. It’s called “With You” by Chris Brown. Some other good songs that I like are “No Air” by Jordan sparks ft. Chris Brown. Plus there’s Mr.Capone-e with “Let Me Luv Your Girl”. They’re both really good songs. Look up the lyrics and listen to them if you can. Tell me what you think. Anyways… colleen won’t move me up until she has successfully made me go through hell. So basically I have to talk about the anger I still have towards my bio parents in EVERY type of groups we have…caseload, specialties, and in regular groups so basically to the entire f***en school. Plus she wants me to write a paper about why I don’t like parents and where I am with that now. And then share it with my parents. So basically I will be in tears for the next…let’s say month. F***! Well whatever. At least I get to call you. And I’ll try to call you again this Saturday. Don’t ask how I do it just know that I’ll call you. Well if you can respond please try to but if not that’s ok too. Love you. With all my heart…and more.