User:Mr. A.P.E. Bayliss
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
| Ashley Paul Escóbar Bayliss | |
|---|---|
 |
|
| Background information | |
| Also known as | I go by many names.... |
| Born |  Espoo, Finland |
| Genre(s) | Bebop Jazz |
| Occupation(s) | Whore |
| Instrument(s) | Triangle Harmonica Gurdy Hurdy |
Ashley Paul Escóbar Bayliss was born in 1932 in a small hedgerow in Espoo, Finland. He is a skilled kitchen hand and wine connoisseur, who specialises in the field of cow tipping. He is known to enjoy goat races and even bread a Man-Bear-Pig which would later go on to get 6 wickets in the 2007 cricket world cup.
Contents |
[edit] Early life in Espoo
Ashley had a troublesome upbringing in Espoo; he would often throw spaghetti at his neighbours cattle. He was forced to play swingball with other less talented children, who he would always beat with ease, however, the most skilled swingballer in Espoo was Dirk Steves and Dirk would never accept Ashley's challenge of a best-of-69 Swingball duel. Ashley was left emotionally traumatised by this and began to fear balls. Ashley was known to bite any ball which came close to him and would subsequently be shunned from Espoo (due to Espoo's encient law against ball biting).
[edit] After leaving Espoo
After leaving Espoo, Ashley found salvation in the Zoo-niverse; a zoo owned by Dixon Bainbridge and run by a slightly retarded American named Bob Fossil. One of the zookeepers at the Zoo-nivese was King of the Mods, Camden Leisure Pirate and all-round cool guy; Ashley looked up to Vince but found his mustachioed sidekick, Howard Moon a.k.a. Monsoon Moon, irritating and would occasionally try to murder him when Vince was at Topshop or visiting Gary Numan onboard his plane. However, Vince was soon told about Ashley's misdeeds by the south London shaman Naboo, as a result of this, Ashley was forced to leave the Zoo-niverse and fell into a deep depression until he found salvage with a scaly manfish, Old Gregg; some say his he's half-man half-fish, some say it's more of a 70-30 split- either way, he's one fishy bastard.
[edit] Jazz career
Whilst living in an underwater lair with Old Gregg, Ashley developed a fondness for jazz (particularly bebop). He quickly learnt how to play one riff on harmonica and mastered the triangle, he also invented the Gurdy Hurdy, which is a small broken part of a ruler; he often encorporated this into his music as the main instrument. At first, Old Gregg was happy Ashley had discovered a hobby but within weeks of Ashley's discovery of jazz he became obsessed with it and would practice round the clock. Old Gregg didn't want to make Ashley leave then underwater lair, but he was scared to confront Ashley about his jazz addiction. He was depressed by Ashley's love for jazz because Ashley no longer spent time with him and Old Gregg later developed his own addiction- to Baileys; unlike Ashley, Old Gregg's addiction was harmful and he had health problems beacause of this. He could no longer piss properly, eat sweetcorn or play with his official Patrick Swayze trainset, meanwhile, Ashley's repuation within the jazz scene was thriving, he was being compared to all the greats, such as, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, he was even compared to Steve Davis (although that was by accident) but he soon, like many of his old hobbies, became bored of jazz. He attempted to go on a club tour around Hackney, however, his unhappiness effected his gurdy hurdy playing; he could no longer play his beloved instrument.
[edit] Jazz discography
- Appetite for Malnutrition (1987)
- Led Zeppelin IV (1988)
- Abuse Your Erection I (1991)
- Abuse Your Erection II (1991)
- "The Tortelloni Accident!" (1993)
- Canadian Anarchism (2007)
