User:Mjdawgs
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[edit] Matthew S. Johnson
Born on a cold December day, the 23rd to be exact, Matthew was the second of what would become four children.
A pioneer in both humor and human existence, Matthew is responsible for an abundance of classical moments in the earth's history. The accomplished Matthew was a baseball prodigy growing up in the state of North Carolina where he was a t-ball all-star for consecutive years before being uprooted and traded to the state of Tennessee. Matthew's baseball diamond prowess continued in K-Town where he was a member of the 4th place state finishing Farragut Little League All-Stars. The highlight reel from that week of baseball is most memorable, and remains a staple in tv broadcast history. Matthew was not only a baseball player, as he took up basketball, soccer, football, and cricket, all in the little spare time he could muster. Matthew’s room became grotesquely adorned with ribbons, trophies, and championship belts. Being such a prized possession, the state of Georgia was actively seeking the rights to Mr. Johnson. Matthew was traded in late 1994 from Tennessee to Georgia for 2 state senators, a bushel of boiled peanuts, and the rights for Tennessee to be on Ray Charles’ mind. Matthew showed up in 5th grade and immediately placed second in the school spelling bee (he would finish first in the 6th grade). Words like “professional” and “business” no longer challenged the eager beaver Matthew, and he famously swept the Chapman Elementary awards show. He would need to have the soles on his shoes replaced twice by the end of the night. By the end of the 6th grade year, Matthew had turned pro in dodgeball, heads up 7 up, and giving cooties. His future was bright, to say the least.
Middle school brought a whole new set of challenges for Matthew. Bus rides, fort building, factory labor, and hitting 75 pounds would all present themselves in an ominous fashion, and Matthew beat them all collectively (with one hand tied behind his back might I add). 7th and 8th grade brought a basketball county championship to Matthew’s resume (a resume that was already 46 single spaced pages). Middle School was a mere stopgap before High School, and although he was courted heavily by the powers that be over the way at WHS, Matthew remained at WMS to take part in Tom Foolery with his friends and companions. The only way I can describe it, is this: “He who lays the golden egg gets the goose.” Well, he got the goose. And the egg. High School. Matthew entered the 9th grade as his older sister, Ashley was wrapping up her senior year. Most individuals do not reach “legendary” status until they are either old, or dead, or both. Most people aren’t even legendary. The story goes that God himself wept at Matthew’s conception. Matthew’s umbilical cord is historically preserved at the Smithsonian (they shelled out roughly $4 million). Shell-shock recedes…and the memories of High School re-emerge. I choose not to be long winded and list as follows: Honors graduate, varsity letterman in multiple sports, badass, blue ribbon holder in 4 separate food fights, member of the “diagonal parking” club (2 years running), received the “canon arm” medal in Water Balloon Royal Rumble II (2001), record holder for most water balloons transported in one WB fight (607), holder of the most OUTRAGEOUS internal school suspension ever levied on a student, 4 flipped golf carts, award for “I’m a loser because I’m not driving, but in retrospect that was the smartest thing you ever did,” for near arrest one: Toilet Paper Nights, award for “I’m not really lying (but you think I am, so I’ll lie anyway)” for near arrest two: 15 Car Chain? Cops? Catch the Sober Kids, co-creator of the lexicon abused by the high school population, witness to the “let’s hit Damon’s mom with a water balloon because she’s wearing a white shirt,” wish I had made a shirt claiming “my high school’s been on the national news 3 times, and never for our achievements,” and the list goes on. If you know it, you don’t need a list. But lists are fun, I wish I could list the reasons why I love lists, it would be a long one.
After months, nay, years of ruthless recruiting, Matthew chose to attend the University of Georgia located in Athens, Georgia. The oversized key, ribbon, and red carpet were all brought out to mark the occasion. A bottle of champagne was broken upon the Arch (although several were arrested for molesting the arch trying to get a taste of the Cristal) and Matthew settled in. The dorm life occupied year one. It was a year of rest for Matthew, as he took time off for himself. He wrote and illustrated his first romance novel: Creamy Love (it was also a Scratch-n-Sniff). Matthew also opened up a children’s orphanage…but the orphans kept being stolen, so the place was shut down and sold off for parts – the building, not the children. This marked a dark time in the life of Matthew Johnson, the “Mildly Un-Lit Ages” so to speak. Burnt out on Ramen noodles, chex mix, and snack packs, Matthew hit the road. The road was actually a parking lot which led to his car, where he drove…but the drive was only 90 miles. And he only drove it because it was summer and he didn’t have anywhere to stay so he went home. Which is Woodstock, Georgia.
Matthew would wrap up his final summer at “The Crotch” the delicate nickname for his place of employment: Eagle Watch. Here Matthew solidified his rule amongst the peons (co-workers) and was formerly inducted into the EW Hall of Fame in 2002. Matthew befriended a certain Michael Maher. Matthew “took him under his wing” so to speak and honed his skills in reading, writing (he was completely illiterate), and provided him with a pet, Bogey the cat. Bogey and Michael went on many adventures, all documented in Matthew’s second novel: The Cat I Never Loved…But He Thought I Did: Tales From a Misguided Philanthropist – The Mikey Files. To date, after 3 years of being in print, the book has sold 4 copies (2 of which have since been returned). Matthew was the laughingstock of the cat adventuring, philanthropist novelist underworld and it slowly took hold of Matthew’s psyche. A month of detox was in order and Matthew spent all of August eating oatmeal and watching Who’s The Boss? re-runs (Angela is the boss).
[edit] Major Accomplishments and Trivia
Matthew has 1 brother: Billiam, 2 sisters: Ashley and Caroline, and 2 parents: names withheld.
He works at the lovely DialAmerica Marketing in Athens, Georgia. He sits beside Lindsey Whitaker, and wishes he could be like her.
Matthew credits Michael Maher with his recent success in the sporting and comedic worlds. Despite the demands on his time for being the funniest and most athletic person alive, Michael still finds some to donate to those less fortunate.
Matthew was actually the first man to walk on the moon but lost a game of "rock, paper, scissors" with Neil Armstrong as to who would actually get credit for the feat.
Matthew is the only person on record to run a mile in under one minute. As a cool down afterwards, he climbed Mount Everest and is currently attempting to swim around the world.
Despite what Hollywood wants us to believe, Matthew is the only pirate in the Caribbean.
