User:Kelnos
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- The correct title of this article is The Mom Toucher. It appears incorrectly here because of technical restrictions.
- This page was requested, see source.
- Hi, I'm kelnos, and I approve this message as a work of satirical fiction.
Brian "Kelnos" Tarricone, also know as Matris pulsatus ("mom toucher"), is a mysterious being born from nothingness.
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[edit] Birth
Accidentally (oops) invented sometime in 1981, he quickly hacked the mobile hanging above his crib into a very crude version of Pong just to entertain himself.
While coding some AI at 12 months old using some popscicle sticks and crayons, he invented an automated game opponent he named Whopper (the only word he knew at the time). His invention was summarily stolen by the US government for use at NORAD. The name was changed to WOPR in attempt to cover up their thievery.
[edit] Childhood
At age eight, using his secret USENET contacts, Kelnos negotiated with the former Soviet Union to tear down the Berlin Wall as it was blocking a future fibre installation he had planned for his world domination plan.
Early 1990, Kelnos was using Minix to write shellcode that would do his homework for him. Due to frustrations which are still not very clear, he posted a message to comp.os.minix saying that Unix being closed source was lunacy. He coined the term "Lunix" to describe the issue, which Linus Torvalds promptly stole transpositioning the i and u to create a new word "Linux."
Surfing alt.binaries.erotica at the age of 11, he became bored and wrote a 20 byte perl script which crashed 1,507 systems in one day and caused a 7 point drop in the New York Stock Exchange. He avoided prosecution by framing Kevin Mitnick.
[edit] Teenage years
Kelnos's first girlfriend was Monica Lewinsky at the age of 13. In a tragic breakup, Lewinsky left him after a discussion one night leading to Kelnos making the quip, "Yeah, I'd touch that if I were you" in response to Monica mentioning that President Bill Clinton was cute. Kelnos promptly started an underground effort that eventually lead to the impeachment of Bill Clinton.
The mid-90's lead to the development of Kelnos's distinctive fetish for touching other people's mothers. In a USENET posting by Linus Torvalds to linux.kernel:
Kelnos Wrote: > Linus Torvalds Wrote: > > I seriously need to /usr/bin/touch ~/.plan > I touched your mom. That was you?!
In 1999, while dealing with a massive bout of hard drive failures for his in-house pornography website featuring mostly mothers from his neighborhood, Kelnos invented broken hard drive sound techno.
[edit] Current endeavors
During a Warcraft 3 session between Steve Wozniak, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and himself an apparent typo lead to the invention of the iPhone:
TehWoz: i need some more doritos. brb. BGates6969: hey kelnos, iphoned you yesterday i got voicemail...wtf man? StevieJobberson: OMG THATS GENIOUS! KelnosTochedURMom: Sorry, I was busy pwning your paladin BGates6969: punk
Kelnos graduated in 2003 from Cornell University with a Doctorate in Mom Touching, the first such graduate.
Somehow, Kelnos swindled (slept) his way onto the development team of Lunar Linux, most likely to make sure the hot-babe module was kept up to date. He is currently the project's designated Mom Toucher, since he is the only developer that has a degree in this field.
Kelnos also does some stuff with Xfce, but nobody (important) cares about that project. ;)
[edit] Trivia
- License plate says M0MTUCHR
- Has a bumper sticker that says "My other car is your mom."
- Takes terrible pictures while lying down
- Likes to burn himself with soldering irons
- Has a mole on his left buttock named Margaret
- Enjoys long walks on the beach with your mom
