Talk:Josip Broz Tito/Comments

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Team,

The grammatical structure in this document is horrible. The use of commas is over the top. Sentence structure is upside down in many cases leading me to believe that a non-native English speaker wrote it. Several sections are unclear as to meaning. An example is the following;

"The Independent State of Croatia was established as a Nazi puppet-state, ruled by the Ustaša, a militant wing of the Croatian Party of Rights, which split off from it in 1929, went into exile in Italy, and was therefore limited in its activities until 1941."

My rewrite was stymied at this point as I rewrote;

“The Independent State of Croatia was established as a Nazi puppet-state and was ruled by the Ustaša. The Ustaša was a militant wing of the Croatian Party of Rights and had slit off from in 1929.”

How the puppet Nazi government could rule from afar is not clear. Why a puppet government supported by a Nazi military would go into exile is unclear also. I stopped at this point.

Too many commas are used throughout the document to separate ideas in overly lengthy sentences. Sentence structure should be more ordered with the subject leading the sentence with a verb and object. Drop leading phrases and dates and include in the sentence in a readable manner. These are my suggestions.

I have tried to rewrite the document myself but got stuck (and tired) at the above sentence, which I didn't understand at all. Please use my rewrite as a start if interested. There are several uses of the phrase, "self-evident" in the doc that I find objectionable

The doc contains much factual data (good) but a rewrite will need to flesh out the data a bit more to make it enjoyable and informative reading.

Max (mmm_max@yahoo.com)

>>>>>>>My attempt at the rewrite:

Early years

Josip Broz was born in Kumrovec, Croatia, in an area called Zagorje that at the period was a part of Austria-Hungary. He was the seventh child of Franjo and Marija Broz. His father, Franjo Broz, was a Croat, while his mother Marija (born Javeršek) was a Slovenian. He spent his childhood years living with his maternal grandfather in Podsreda and entered the primary school in Kumrovec. He left school in 1905.

In 1907 Broz left the rural environment of his childhood for employment as a machinist's apprentice in Sisak. He became aware of the labor movement and celebrated May 1 - Labor Day for the first time and in 1910 he joined the union of metallurgy workers and also the Social-Democratic Party of Croatia and Slovenia. Between 1911 and 1913 Broz worked for shorter periods in Kamnik (Slovenia), Cenkovo (Bohemia), Munich and Mannheim (Germany). He worked for the Benz automobile factory in Germany but subsequently moved to Wiener Neustadt, Austria, where he was a test driver for Daimler.

Path to Russia

In the autumn of 1913 Broz was drafted into the Austro-Hungarian Army. In May of 1912 he won a silver medal at an army fencing competition in Budapest but at the outbreak of World War I he was sent to Ruma. He was arrested in Ruma for anti-war propaganda and imprisoned in the Petrovaradin fortress. In January 1915 he was sent to the Eastern Front in Galicia to fight against Russia. He distinguished himself there as a capable soldier on the eastern front and was recommended for military decoration. He was seriously wounded and captured by Russians in Bukovina March 25th, 1915.

Joining the revolution

After thirteen months at the hospital Broz was sent to a work camp in the Ural Mountains where prisoners selected him for their camp leader. Revolting workers broke into the prison in February of 1917 and freed all the prisoners including Broz. Broz then joined a Bolshevik group and in April of 1917 he was arrested again. He managed to escape and join the worker demonstrations in Saint Petersburg on July 16-17, 1917. Broz was once again caught and was imprisoned in the Petropavlovsk fortress for three weeks and subsequently sent to Kungur but escaped from the train. He hid with a Russian family where he met and married his first wife, Pelagija Belousova. Broz then enlisted with the Red Guards in Omsk and in the spring of 1918 he applied for membership in the Russian Communist Party. He was employed as a mechanic near Omsk for a year but in January 1920 he and his wife made a long and difficult journey home to Croatia arriving in September of that year.

Return to Yugoslavia

Broz immediately joined the Communist Party of Yugoslavia because the CPY's influence on the political life of the Kingdom of Yugoslavia was growing rapidly. In the 1920 elections the Communists won 59 seats and became the third strongest party. The king's regime would not tolerate the CPY and declared it illegal in 1921 and all communist-won mandates were nullified. Broz continued his work underground despite pressure on Communists from the government. Early in 1921 he moved to Veliko Trojstvo near Bjelovar and found work as machinist.

In 1925 Broz moved to Kraljevica where he started working at a shipyard. There he was elected for a syndicate commissioner and a year later he led a shipyard strike. He was fired from his shipyard job and moved to Belgrade where he worked for a train coach factory in Smederevska Palanka. There he was elected as a Workers Commissary but was fired as soon as his CPY membership was revealed. Broz then moved to Zagreb where he was appointed secretary of Metal Workers Union of Croatia.

In 1934 he became a member of the Political Bureau of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia that was located in Vienna, Austria. It was at this time that he likely adopted the code name "Tito".

In 1935 Tito traveled to the Soviet Union and worked for a year in the Balkan section of Comintern. He was a member of the Soviet Communist Party and the Soviet secret police (NKVD). In 1936, the Comintern sent Comrade Walter (aka Tito) back to Yugoslavia to purge the Communist Party. In 1937 Stalin had the Secretary-General of the CPY (Milan Gorkic) murdered in Moscow. That same year Tito was named Secretary-General of the still-outlawed CPY by Stalin and returned to Yugoslavia. During this period he faithfully followed Comintern policy, supporting Stalin's policies and criticizing Western democracies, Fascist Italy, and Nazi Germany.

World War II

   Main article: People's Liberation War

German, Italian, and Hungarian forces attacked Yugoslavia on April 6, 1941. The Luftwaffe bombed Belgrade and other major Yugoslav cities. Representatives of Yugoslavia's various regions signed an armistice with Germany at Belgrade on April 17, ending eleven days of resistance against the invading German Wehrmacht.

The Independent State of Croatia was established as a Nazi puppet-state and ruled by the Ustaša which was a militant wing of the Croatian Party of Rights, which split off from it in 1929, went into exile in Italy, and was therefore limited in its activities until 1941. German troops occupied Bosnia and Herzegovina as well as part of Serbia and Slovenia, while other parts of the country were occupied by Bulgaria, Hungary and Italy.

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Great job with the edit. Just to clear your doubt, the original sentence means that the members of the Ustasa movement were in exile still during the Kingdom of Yugoslavia, but they came back with the Nazi ocupation in 1941. Since I am not native English speaker, I will refrain to make edits myself. Mcampos69 (talk) 12:02, 27 November 2007 (UTC)