Talk:Jaysuma Saidy Ndure/GA1

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Contents

[edit] GA Review

[edit] First round of comments

[edit] Lead

"Jaysuma Saidy Ndure (born 1 January 1984 in Bakau) is a Gambian-Norwegian sprinter. Having changed nationality from the Gambia to Norway in 2006, he holds both the Gambian and Norwegian records in both the 100 and 200 metres, and is the seventh and fourth fastest European of all times on the two distances."

OK, problems: first off, it might be better to say "Jaysuma Saidy Ndure (born 1 January 1984 in Bakau) is a Gambian-born sprinter who changed his nationality to Norway."

Secondly, saying "Having changed nationality from the Gambia to Norway in 2006" is not really grammatical."

Third, "and is the seventh and fourth fastest European of all times on the two distances" does not sound very good either. Also, which distances are you referring to with "seventh" and "fourth"? And saying he is X fastest...does that mean he has the X fastest time ever?

Finally, this lead is way too short. It needs to be a summary of the main article. So, there needs to be at the very least two, or maybe even three paragraphs.

[edit] Early and personal life

"Saidy was born and raised by his mother in Bakau. "

Bakau, where?

Also, you say that, and then skip to when he was 17. Is there nothing notable in between?

"In June 2001 he ran the 200 metres in 21.27 seconds in a competition known as the West African Championships in Lagos, winning the event. Moreover, the result was a new Gambian record time."

"Moreover" is not really a good conjunction to use. Try to reword something like this: "In June of 2001, he ran in the West African Championships in Lagos, and won the 200 metres in a time of 21.27 seconds, which set a new Gambian record."

"Still, he would rather play basketball and volleyball for fun with his schoolmates."

Is this really necessary?

"In 2002 Saidy moved to Oslo in the Northern European country of Norway, joining his father who had lived in this country since the 1970s. Also, cousins and other relatives lived in the vicinity."

Comma needed after "2002" and "father". And is the second sentence necessary?

Also, this is the first time you mention his father. What happened to him and his mother? Why were they apart?

"Searching for a leisure activity, Saidy decided to take up athletics again and joined one of the athletics clubs in the Norwegian capital, IL i BUL, whose training sessions were held on the internationally known Bislett stadion."

Should be "in", not "on".

"Saidy currently lives in Blystadlia outside of Oslo, together with former 400 m hurdler Heidi Trollsås from Sandefjord."

What does "together with former 400 m hurdler Heidi Trollsås" mean? Like, in a relationship? It could mean that?

"Trollsås also functioned as his manager until 2008, when they hired noted Swedish athletics manager Daniel Westfeldt. Shortly thereafter he signed a lucrative five-year contract with Nike."

Try "until" instead of "when". Also, saying "he signed..." is unclear pronoun reference. Who signed the contract?

Now, in general, there are broadness concerns here. The early life is too skimpy, and the personal life is just two sentences. Both parts need to be expanded, and the personal life should be split from his early life (they're not really related).

More Comments Coming, but these concerns need to addressed first before I go on to review the rest of the article. Noble Story (talk • contributions)

[edit] First round of replies

To sum up, I first of all appreciate the copyedit as I am not a native English speaker. However, I do not agree unequivocally on the concerns about broadness; see "general" section below.

[edit] Lead

  • Agree, will thoroughly rewrite and expand the lead.

[edit] Early and personal life

  • Addressed the comment Bakau, where?.
  • Haven't found anything notable in childhood. What kinds of notable things do children do?
  • Addressed complaint about West African Championships.
  • I'd reckon it's interesting that a newly-created national record holder and future world-level competitor did not have athletics as a primary interest as late as the age of 17.
  • Rewrote some. I haven't found any sources which go into detail about the relationship between his father and mother. Will search some more, but news media should perhaps not be expected to write about this.
  • Changed to "in".
  • Rewrote to reflect relationship.
  • Don't understand comment "until" instead of "when". Until is already used once in the sentence. Rewrote, anyway.
  • Fixed pronoun reference.

[edit] General

  • As for the broadness concerns, I'd like to remind that this is not a featured article candidate. From WP:GACR: It is broad in its coverage: (a) it addresses the main aspects of the topic (...) note: This requirement is significantly weaker than the "comprehensiveness" required by WP:FAC; it allows shorter articles, articles that do not necessarily outline every part of the topic, and broad overviews of large topics. I do not see how the coverage scope of this article fails the above criterion?
  • As for the notion of early and personal life being unconnected, I'd say that someone's early life is personal by definition, i.e. not professional. The professional part, being the other main segment of someone's life, is covered in another section. Counter-arguments are anticipated.
  • The main concern at this point, really, would be the lead.

Punkmorten (talk) 10:10, 6 June 2008 (UTC)