User:Jacobbriggswitzke

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Jacob Briggs Witzke is an American, hydrologist, lecturer and author. His varied professional contributions include 10 years as a federal hydrologist for the United States Hydrologic Society , is the lecturer of the award wining powerpoint presentation What I did last summer on my paid administrative leave: Things that happen when a meteorite hits a lake. He has also appeared on the national morning news show How are you doing America? with host Neil Klitgaard to discuss his works alongside Leonard Hutchinson of the Intelligent Progress Institute.

Contents 1 Background 2 Education 3 Post College 4 Accomplishments 5 Hobbies 6 Currently

[edit] Background

Jacob Briggs Witzke is a Witzke is employed with the United States Hydrologic Society. He was born, raised, and currently resides in Iowa City, Iowa. Witzkes involvement started at a young age when parents Joann Witzke, and Cletus Witzke took Jacob on a 6 month voyage up and down the Mississippi river. On July 29th, 1976 Witzke fell off the boat into a strong current. Cletus Witzke jumped into the river, saving young Witzke while letting the boat idle down the Mississippi river. Joann Witzke meanwhile, with no boating experience, eventually abandonded ship with her dog, Scoots. Cletus got Jacob to the shore and noticed the boy had turned completely blue and performed C.P.R. on the boy, saving his life. Jacob Witzke would recount that when he was submerged into the water a calm fell over him and that he had seen the afterlife which he described as a calm body of water, not too shallow, not too deep, with a blue the color of the sky. Witzke would spend the rest of the summer in the Mississippi River. Later, he got a job as errand boy for his father, at the then newly founded United States Hydrologic Society in Iowa City Iowa. Witzke would parely this job into what he does today.

[edit] Education

Witzke is a graduate of the University of Iowa with a bacholars degree in hydrology and a minor in colonial games.

While in college Witzke was one of the founding members of the fraternity BNH alongside Mike Campbell ii, Victor Wessels and Nick Elmendorf. It was rumored that Witzke also had a part to do with the sit in/burning down of the original English and Philosephy building on campus. His junior year Witzke got a show with the student radio channel KZAW.

[edit] Post College

In the late 1990's, Witzke was placed on administrative leave from his at then position of data clerk at the U.S.H.S. to go live in the Atarondacks. It would be there that lead Witzke to his professional breakthrough. On a tip from William "T-Bone" Tucker, local truck driver, Witzke decided to search for Bigfoot. Witzkes investigation and tips he received from T-Bone and other sources told him to set foot almost to his back door, Lake McBride. It was there that Witzke sadly lost track of bigfoot but saw a meteor hit the lake. This would be the event that lead to the presentation What I did last summer on my paid administrative leave: Things that happen when a meteorite hits a lake. Through the act of publishing this article, as well as mandatory federal job promotions, Witzke received a full commision as a Hydrologist for the U.S.H.S.

[edit] Accomplishments

1994: Formed BNH at the University of Iowa 1995: Won Windy City Dogs chili covered polish dog eating contest 1996: Was the first person to eat a bowl of habanero ice cream at Millcreek Ice Cream 1996: Retired from competivie eating only to later come back to win the Conesville Iowa Watermelon Days eating contest in both Watermelon and Buritos. The events were held on the same day. 1996: With the buzz from Watermelon Days Witzke received a position at KZAW 1997: Graduated the University with a degree in hydrology and a minor in colonial games 1998: First spoted Bigfoot 1999: Published his first artical What I did last summer on my paid administrative leave: Things that happen when a meteorite hits a lake.

[edit] Hobbies

Witzke is an accomplished folk lorist. He also enjoys hiking, jogging, shooting skeet, and swiming.

[edit] Currently

Witzke was last known working for the U.S.H.S. and residing in Iowa City, IA, at 211 Myrtle Avenue. He had recently been assigned a partner, Zachary Cervantes.